Alan’s Finds 2011
Updated 11/27/11
Anyone who ever raised a son (or was one) will
appreciate this.
For All Car Lovers
– Today's cars may be faster, safer, more luxurious and get better gas mileage
-
BUT THEY DON'T EVEN COME CLOSE ON LOOKS!
CHRISTIANS EVERYWHERE:
What a clever idea! Yes, Christmas cards. This is coming
early so that you can get ready to include an important address to your list.
Want to have some fun this CHRISTMAS?
Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.
As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this
holiday, we should all send them a nice, card to brighten up their dark, sad,
little world. Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.
Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude:
ACLU
125 Broad Street , 18th Floor
New York , NY 10004
Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't
know if any were regular mail containing contributions. So spend 44 cents and
tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such
thing as a " Holiday Tree". It's always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!
And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the
ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!
For those of you who aren't aware of them, the ACLU, (the American Civil
Liberties Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or
anything religious away from us. They represent the atheists and others in this
war. Help put Christ back in Christmas!
Remember, JESUS IS THE REASON
* Suggestion: Pass this on to your church, co-workers, family, and friends.
What do you have to lose but 44 cents, what do you have to gain --- more than
you may ever know possible.
Old West Photos –
This is just one source but there are many others. It is truly fascinating to see actual photos of the Old West.
Young Republicans' Naked Pool Party
– Okay this is just fun!
Printable List Of Stores With Senior
Discounts – Never mind,
youn’uns – this is a public service link for us old folks!
APHORISM: A SHORT,
POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH;
ADAGE
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at
all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people
a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It
could be a right number.
13. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a
Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 50 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably
dead.
Eagle Owl Flies at
Camera
Click on link below. Eagle Owl coming in for the kill -- right at
the camera. Hypnotic little piece of film. I thought my eyes would cross. The
last two or three seconds are amazing, watching the feathers ruffle and the
wings swell. Loved it. Interesting to watch the corrections in the flight path
as the bird comes in.
For best viewing use full screen.
Amazing 911
Halftime Show – from West Virginia University.
Two of the greatest qualities in life:
Patience & Wisdom!
My Daughter's
Decision
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the
window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my
jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car. Take my
front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and
never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave
my share to my brother."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, "Dad I have
decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign."
Outstanding
idea for a commercial! –
enjoy!
Fascinating
Pictures!
– Although this has been thought to be a hoax, after investigation it turns out
absolutely genuine! Just one more “art
form” and well worth the view!
“Picturesque” rice fields of Japan – truly fascinating.
This, on the other
hand . . . well, make up your own mind!
Inbred Cat
5 RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes
than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when
they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Peace is that glorious moment in history when everyone stands around --
reloading.
IN CASE YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS.READ CAREFULLY............
This is so Unbelievable.
In Houston, Texas
Harwin Central Mall: The very first store that you come to when you walk from
the lobby of the building into the shopping area had this sign posted on their
door. The shop is run by Muslims.
Feel free to share this with others.
In case you are not able to read the sign below, it says, "We will be
closed on Friday, September 11, 2009 to commemorate the martyrdom of Imam
Ali"
Imam Ali flew one of the planes into the twin
towers.
Nice huh?
Try telling me we're not in a Religious war!
I know this
administration claims to be the smartest
ever, but if I were running a campaign with an unpopular
incumbent, the last thing I’d have is a reelection slogan with
the initials WTF.
Okay – ready for a
good laugh?
Video
– That’s How I Got In the Closet!
NOW I UNDERSTAND!
The English language has some wonderfully
anthropomorphic collective nouns for various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish
and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as
their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably
because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most
obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And
what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not
....... a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!
Where Our Military
Headstones Come From
– Very interesting, short news report!
Brings back lots of memories!!! Enjoy!!!!
have fun....
Good One:
Just click on a date...sit back and enjoy!!!
This is awesome, pick out one of your favorites from below
and give it a try...
1. JACKIE GLEASON ON THE ROCKY MARCIANO SHOW THE MAIN EVENT (1960)
2. JAMES DEAN: HIS FINAL TV APPEARANCE (1954)
3. ELVIS SINGS BLUE SUEDE SHOES (1956)
4. A TRIBUTE TO ELVIS PRESLEY, THE KING OF ROCK & ROLL (1959-62)
5. THE EDSEL INTRODUCED ON NBC (1957)
6. BOBBY DARIN'S "MACK THE KNIFE" (1959)
7. WESTINGHOUSE DEBUTS HI-TECH "ADVANCED TV" (1951)
8. WILLIAM BENDIX AS LOVABLE CHESTER A. RILEY (1956)
9. ICONS I: WHAT MADE 50'S TV GOLDEN (COMPILATION, (1952-60)
10. THE PATTI PAGE SHOW (1958)
11. BLOOPERS FROM THE HONEYMOONERS (1957-58)
12. THE CENSORED JERRY LEE LEWIS HERE UNCENSORED! (1957-59)
13. A TRUE 50's DOO WOP TV CLASSIC (1958)
14. FAMILY AFFAIR (1966)
15. ALAN FREED'S BIG BEAT DANCE PARTY DANCERS (1959)
16. THE STEVE ALLEN SHOW (1957)
17. The Inventor Of TV Sketch Comedy ERNIE KOVACS (1954)
18. THE RED SKELTON SHOW (1959)
19. ICONS: THE DELINQUENCY RAMPAGE! (COMPILATION, 1957-60)
20. FATHER KNOWS BEST (1953)
21. PETTICOAT JUNCTION (1962)
22. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST BOB MATTHIAS (1956)
23. DANCES OF THE 1950's: THE HAND JIVE (1957)
24. GROUCHO MARX YOU BET YOUR LIFE (1959)
25. DRAGNET (1959)
26. THE IMMORTAL MUSICAL COMEDY OF VICTOR BORGE 1951
27. EDDIE FISHER SINGS A MEDLEY OF HIS BIGGEST HITS 1953
28. ABBOTT & COSTELLO: WHO'S ON FIRST? 1951
29. MORE DANCES OF THE 1950's THE JITTERBUG 1958
30. THE HONEYMOONERS ... IN COLOR! 1969
31. THE ORIGINAL FLASH GORDON SERIAL theatres-1939; TV-1960's
32. THE LONE RANGER 1955
33. THE ENDEARING GRIMACES OF EDDIE CANTOR 1952
34. BOBBY DARIN NERVOUSLY HOSTS A BEAUTY CONTEST 1957
35. MORE DANCES OF THE 1950's: THE LINDY HOP 1959
36. SHAKE, BABY, SHAKE! IT'S THE KILLER AGAIN! 1958
37. THE DANNY THOMAS SHOW 1958
38. SID CAESAR: YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS 1957
39. HERE COMES TOBOR! 1954
40. THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN 1954
41. THE ADVENTURES OF FLIPPER 1964
42. SPIKE JONES 1951
43. CAPTAIN VIDEO & HIS VIDEO RANGERS 1950
44. THE LIBERACE SHOW 1952
45. MEDIC 1954
46. THE BIG VALLEY 1965
47. THE ROOTS OF TV BASEBALL 1950-57
48. Mc HALE'S NAVY 1962
49. HOPALONG CASSIDY 1952
50. DARK SHADOWS 1966
51. FADS & FANCIES OF THE 50s & 60s
52. I LOVE LUCY 1952
53. THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW 1962
54. THE BEATLES FIRST TELEVISION APPEARANCE 1963
55. BAT MASTERSON 1958
56. MARTY ROBBINS ON THE JOHNNY CASH SHOW 1964
57. FRANK SINATRA SPEAKS CANDIDLY 1954
58. PASSWORD 1962
59. STAR TREK TV ON DEMAND 1966-present
60. MORE DANCES OF THE 50's: THE SWINGBACK 1958
61. THE LIVE TV FRIDGE COMMERCIAL CATASTROPHE 1954
62. THE ARTHUR GODFREY SHOW 1957
63. BUILDING THE 1958 DODGE 1957
64. FIGHT CLASSIC: ROCKY MARCIANO vs. JERSEY JOE WALCOTT 1952
65. AND MORE GREAT ICONS OF THE 50's VOL III 1952-59
66. ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS 1959
67. SATURDAY NIGHTLIVE~~ BEFORE SNL 1954-58
68. FELIX THE CAT 1959
69. THE DONNA REED SHOW 1958
70. THE GOLDBERGS 1952
71. LUCILLE BALL & CAROL BURNETT 1965
72. THE LITTLE RASCALS 1955
73. HIGHWAY PATROL 1956
74. LOST IN SPACE 1966
75. BEULAH 1951
76. BEWITCHED 1966
77. I DREAM OF JEANIE 1966
78. SEA HUNT 1957
79. DYNAMITE JOE RINDONE 1954
80. THE MILTON BERLE SHOW 1957
Ahh, the Old Days!
Navy Training
Ensign Montgomery
was holding morning muster (roll call) and he’s calling out the names...
"Jackson?"
"Here!"
"KIBBEY?"
"Yo."
"STEPHENS?"
"Present,
sir."
"Robbins?"
"Yo."
"SEEBACK?"
(Nothing)
"SEEBACK?!"
(Still nothing)
"DAMMIT, SEEBACK!"
The Chief quietly
tells the Ensign, "Turn the paper over, sir."
Cute
Award Winner
– Parade Float!
The Ultimate Political Flowchart
When top level guys look down, they see only
shitheads.
When bottom level guys look up, they see
only assholes.
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six
students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half
of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the
proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are
first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
|
1. |
Don't change horses |
until they stop running.
|
|
2. |
Strike while the |
bug is close. |
|
3. |
It's always darkest
before |
Daylight Saving Time. |
|
4. |
Never underestimate the
power of |
termites. |
|
5. |
You can lead a horse to
water but |
how? |
|
6. |
Don't bite the hand that
|
looks dirty. |
|
7. |
No news is |
impossible. |
|
8. |
A miss is as good as a |
Mr. |
|
9. |
You can't teach an old
dog new |
math. |
|
10. |
If you lie down with dogs,
you'll |
stink in the morning. |
|
11. |
Love all, trust |
me. |
|
12. |
The pen is mightier than
the |
pigs. |
|
13. |
An idle mind is |
the best way to relax. |
|
14. |
Where there's smoke
there's |
pollution. |
|
15. |
Happy the bride who |
gets all the presents. |
|
16. |
A penny saved is |
not much. |
|
17. |
Two's company, three's |
the Musketeers. |
|
18. |
Don't put off till
tomorrow what |
you put on to go to bed.
|
|
19. |
Laugh and the whole world
laughs with you, cry and |
you have to blow your
nose. |
|
20. |
There are none so blind
as |
Stevie Wonder. |
|
21. |
Children should be seen
and not |
spanked or grounded. |
|
22. |
If at first you don't
succeed |
get new batteries. |
|
23. |
You get out of something
only what you |
see in the picture on
the box. |
|
24. |
When the blind lead the
blind |
get out of the way. |
|
25. |
A bird in the hand |
is going to poop on you.
|
|
And the WINNER and last
one! |
||
|
26. |
Better late than |
pregnant. |
This
guy worked at Republic Steel for 10 years until its closing in 1983.
The
best line, he says, that he ever heard there was when a young black kid was
being reprimanded for the last time.
The
black youth said to the shop foreman, “you’re firing me because I’m black!”
The
boss said, “No, we hired you because you were black. We’re firing you because
you’re useless!”
I hope that we will remember this come November, 2012!
Great Bumper Sticker!
If you voted for Obama in '08 to prove
you're not a racist, vote for someone else in '12 to prove you're not an idiot.
Historical Photos - I can't vouch for the story, but the pix are
historic.
(The link will take you to a slide show way to view them.)
These color pictures were taken by a Life photographer between 1939 and 1940 in
Berlin and were lost for over 70 years because the American photographer
disappeared at the beginning of the war, along with his Roliflex camera.
Shown here are the originals (used at that time in the production of
magazines). The majority are 6"x 9". They were found by a nurse in a
Berlin hospital, who kept them put away during all these years. After Her death
her daughter returned them to the current
editors, who retain the copyrights to Life Magazine, which has not been
published since the early '70s.
Some of these are so vivid for being over 70 years old, and so large that you
almost feel as if you're standing there.
It’s a fair question . . .
Some things to try:
Did you know that drinking two glasses of
Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects
caused by traditional pain relievers?
Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with
mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids
peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1
tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30
minutes, then apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1
tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Honey remedy for skin blemishes... cover the blemish with a dab of honey and
place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and
speeds healing. Works overnight.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a
glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins
eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product
was never advertised for this use.
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus: Get rid
of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine Mouthwash. The
powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection... to prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening,
apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of
the screws before tightening them.
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... if menacing bees, wasps, hornets,
or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a
spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter,
let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried
glue.
Balm for broken blisters.... to disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops
of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic.
Vinegar to heal bruises... soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to
the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the
healing process.
Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... it's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups
of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1
minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief
from arthritis pain.
The Raising Of the Kursk – Interesting pictures of the massive Russian
nuclear sub and the operation that recovered it.
So You
Think You Can Park a Car? – Stunt driving at its best.
Birth Of An Island – Amazing sight in the south Pacific, as
confirmed by Snopes.
Guess
What the Ad's About
– Too cute!
Miss
Airport 2011 Calendar – courtesy of the TSA!
How
Close To a Train Track – can you place a vegetable market?
A
Life Without Left Turns – by Michael Gartner. Great read!
Those Old Westerns
– Excellent presentation to enjoy!
A short real-life story...
This is a story which is perfectly logical to males:
A wife asks her husband, "Please go
shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of
milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
Prayer For the End
Of Bin Laden
Now I lay me down to sleep...one less terrorist this world does
keep...with all my heart I give my thanks...to those in uniform regardless of
ranks...
you serve our country and serve it well...with humble hearts your
stories tell...so as I rest my weary eyes...while freedom rings our flag still
flies...
you give your all, do what you must...with God we live and God we
trust....Amen.
Pew Research Political Quiz – Takes about 30 seconds to take. Be brave!
Test your own knowledge, then see how you stack up!
Illinois vs. Arizona
Illinois:
The Governor of
Illinois is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and
attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor
starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then
realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal
control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it
for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a
veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it
for diseases.
4. The Governor goes
to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and
on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail
gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to
make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor
spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness
program" for residents of the area.
7. The State
Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to
permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8 The Governor's
security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000
to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature
of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the
coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
Arizona:
The Governor of
Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and
attacks the dog.
1. The Governor shoots
the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has
spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat
the dead coyote.
And that, my
friends, is why Illinois is broke and Arizona is not.
And
there you have it…
Interesting Tidbits
Of Information
If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the
right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your
food on the left side of your mouth.
To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million
individual flowers.
Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.
Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is
considered an insult!
People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in
their stomachs.
Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave
them off!
Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for
a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.
The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as
a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.
Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.
It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out
and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for
thousands of years.
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is
dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related
diseases.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every
English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless
it's heated above 450°F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the
ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of
man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air
density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of
marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy
Birthday.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it
was intended to prevent.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it
is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights
in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see
stars, even in the middle of the day.
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is
sight. ( How do they know this?)
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred
grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000
meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set
up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are
needed at lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
And last but not least:
In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently
happens once every 823 years!
The Lawyer's Problem In
Texas
– Great solution!
Real Cute Video – Interaction of a cat with some dolphins.
Elephant Road Rage? – On the other end of the interaction
spectrum…
Did You Ever Wake Up
In the Wrong Bed?
From the U.S. Venison Council
Controversy has long raged about the relative quality and taste
of venison and beef as gourmet foods. Some people say venison is tough, with a
strong "wild" taste. Others insist venison's flavor is delicate. An
independent food research group was retained by the Venison Council to conduct
a taste test to determine the truth of these conflicting assertions once and
for all.
First, a Grade A Choice Holstein steer was chased into a swamp a
mile and a half from a road and shot several times. After some of the entrails
were removed, the carcass was dragged back over rocks and logs, and through mud
and dust to the road. It was then thrown into the back of a pickup truck and
driven through rain and snow for 100 miles before being hung out in the sun for
a day.
It was then lugged into a garage where it was skinned and rolled
around on the floor for a while. Strict sanitary precautions were observed
throughout the test, within the limitations of the butchering environment. For
instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff and lick the steer carcass, but
most of the time were chased away when they attempted to bite chunks out of it.
Next, a sheet of plywood left from last year's butchering was set
up in the basement on two saw horses. The pieces of dried blood, hair and fat
left from last year were scraped off with a wire brush last used to clean out
the grass stuck under the lawn mower.
The skinned carcass was then dragged down the steps into the
basement where a half dozen inexperienced but enthusiastic and intoxicated men
worked on it with meat saws, cleavers, hammers and dull knives. The result was
375 pounds of soup bones, four bushel baskets of meat scraps, and a couple of
steaks that were an eighth of an inch thick on one edge and an inch and a half
thick on the other edge.
The steaks were seared on a glowing red hot cast iron skillet to
lock in the flavor. When the smoke cleared, rancid bacon grease was added,
along with three pounds of onions, and the whole conglomeration was fried for
two hours.
The meat was gently teased from the frying pan and served to three
intoxicated and blindfolded taste panel volunteers. Every member of the panel
thought it was venison. One volunteer even said it tasted exactly like the
venison he has eaten in hunting camps for the past 27 years.
The results of this scientific test conclusively show that there
is no difference between the taste of beef and venison...
Fun Quiz On Old Cars
– Have a ball and see how well you do!
The Ultimate Easter Tree – Seeing is believing, Happy Easter!
Most Entertaining Wedding Dance – Enjoy!
Then
There's This Chicken – Too Funny!
Augusta, GA
Orville Smith, a
store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male
customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance
cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket.... When confronted the man
became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the
sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots"
program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the
Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be
severe.
After Police and an
ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.
The subject was also
transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a
broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions,
assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained
when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.
Now that was a
well-written Police report.
Nice Bar - even IF you do not drink, this is worth
seeing.
The Shark Whisperer –
Amazing Video
New definition for
S.O.S.
A C-130 was
lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey
decided to show off.
The fighter jock
told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll
followed by a steep climb..
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked
the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot
said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned
along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
'What did you think
of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16
pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot
chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to
the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
When you are young
& foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!
When you get older
& smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!
Us older folks
understand this one, it's called S.O.S.
Slower,
Older and Smarter....
Ever Wonder What Happens To
Old Tires?
– Amazing!
This is a very interesting story that has made
its way around the internet for quite awhile.
It was billed as being presented during a forensic science conference
and reported by the Associated Press.
Snopes analyzed it some time ago and continues to update the facts as
they are changed from time to time. For
their notes, see link at the bottom of the story.
The Story:
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of
Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a
10-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.
As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was
interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him
instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth
floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not
have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun
blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was
threatening her with a shotgun! The man
was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and
the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills
subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old
man and his wife were both adamant,
and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long- standing
habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident;
that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a
witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to
the fatal accident. It transpired that
the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the
propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with
the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of
this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the
trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the
death of Ronald Opus.
Now for the exquisite twist...
Further investigation revealed that the son
was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had
become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his
mother's murder. This led him to jump off the 10 story building on March 23rd,
only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered
himself.
So the medical examiner closed the case
as a suicide.
Satellite photos of
tsunami damage ....
These are the best
satellite photos yet. Move your mouse sideways to reveal "Then and
Now" comparison.
Look at Fujutseka
and Noriaga especially....whole forests have disappeared as well as half an
island in the middle of the river. In one, a river has been revealed that was
obscured by the forest canopy before. The very last photo both valleys by the
sea area have been "scoured" from the shore inland just like a
glacier would produce. They will probably have to bulldoze piles of
debris and burn it where they pile it. This goes on down the coast for 200
miles.
Nice treatment of the google sat photos here
MAKE SURE YOU MOVE
YOUR MOUSE OVER EACH PHOTO!
A thief in Paris
planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful
planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his
van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he
could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied,
'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.
do you have De Gaulle to share this?
I figured I had nothing Toulouse
Sure can’t say we
aren’t culturally humorous here!
Note To All Hunters: This is from a San
Francisco newspaper
Folks, just remember
as you read this, this person probably drives & votes.
AND, may have
already reproduced.
God help America.
I know some of this is operational now, but wow, if it all
comes about……
Fun Signs
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was
widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him
excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like
you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what
you're going to say. The first test is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's
true or not.
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad
about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third
test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my
student
going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is
neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.
SOME GREAT USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!
..........Sarcasm at its best…………
These glorious insults are from an era before the English
language got boiled down to 4-letter words . . .
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
~~"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some
unspeakable disease."
Disraeli responded: "That depends, Sir, whether I embrace
your policies or your mistress."
~~"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
admire." - Winston Churchill
~~"I have never killed a man, but I have read many
obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
~~He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader
to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
~~"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste
no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
~~"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." –Mark Twain
~~"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends.." - Oscar Wilde
~~"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new
play; bring a friend . . . if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to
Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will
attend second . . . if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
~~"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having
you here." – Stephen Bishop
~~"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -
John Bright
~~"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
~~"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness
in others." – Samuel Johnson
~~"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run
up." - Paul Keating
~~"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always
yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
~~"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker
~~"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?" - Mark Twain
~~"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the
stork." - Mae West
~~"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever
they go.." – Oscar Wilde
~~"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . .
for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang
~~"He has VanGogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
~~"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't
it." - Groucho Marx
The
Stainless Steel Ford
– quite a story here!
IF I DIDN'T HAVE A
DOG OR CAT
I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.
My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.
All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.
When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel.
When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy
bodies who beat me there.
I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into
consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.
I would have money, and no guilt to go on a real vacation.
I would not be on a
first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids
through college.
The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no,
stay, and leave it ALONE.
My house would not
be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.
I would not talk 'baby talk'. 'Eat your din'. 'Yummy yummy for the
tummy'...
My house would not
look like a day care center, toys everywhere.
My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.
I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L,, W-A-L-K,, T-R-E-A-T,,
O-U-T,, G-O,, R-I-D-E,, C-O-O-K-I-E
I would not have as
many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.
I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them
down too much.
I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading 'mud'
season.
I would not have to answer the question, 'Why do you have so many animals?'
from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are
loved unconditionally by someone as close to an ANGEL as they will ever get.
How EMPTY my life would be!!!
LAW of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.
We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car
jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the
other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around
and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he
was really friendly.
So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost
ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law
of the Garbage Truck.'
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run
around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll
dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and
move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at
home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage
trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with
regrets, so ... Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who
don't.
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you
take it!
Every
Red Blooded American should jump in line to support the Green Bay Packers! The
Packers defeated the Chicago Bears on Sunday afternoon thus earning them the
opportunity to go to the Super Bowl. By doing so, they saved the
Hard-Working, Red Blooded, Taxpaying Americans literally several million
dollars of tax money. How you say? Simple... we were told that if the
Chicago Bears had won that President Obama (and probably his family) would
be attending the Super Bowl to cheer on his hometown team.
Since
the Bears lost...the President won't be attending. The money saved from
not using Air Force 1, the limosines, all the additional security, and
let's not forget Michelle Obama's entourage, is literally several
million dollars!
Therefore
every American should cheer on the Green Bay Packers at the Super Bowl to
show them our gratitude.
The
Day Japan Bombed Oregon – Great reading!
E-Mail Tracker Programs -- very interesting
and a must read!
The man that sent this information is a computer tech. He
spends a lot of time clearing the junk off computers for people and listens to
complaints about speed. All forwards are not bad, just some. Be
sure you read the very last paragraph.
He wrote:
By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with snopes.com and/or
truthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is
just that: true/false or fact/fiction. Both are excellent sites.
Advice from snopes.com VERY IMPORTANT!!
1) Any time you see an email that says "forward this on to
'10' (or however many) of your friends", "sign this petition",
or "you'll get bad luck" or "you'll get good luck" or
"you'll see something funny on your screen after you send it" or
whatever --- it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks
the cookies and emails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is
getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of
'active' email addresses to use in SPAM emails or sell to other spammers.
Even when you get emails that demand you send the email on if you're not
ashamed of God/Jesus --- that is email tracking, and they are playing on our
conscience. These people don't care how they get your email addresses -
just as long as they get them. Also, emails that talk about a missing
child or a child with an incurable disease "how would you feel if that was
your child" --- email tracking. Ignore them and don't participate!
2) Almost all emails that ask you to add your name and forward on
to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send
business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness
Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type
of email is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for
telemarketers and spammers -- to validate active email accounts for their own
profitable purposes.
You can do your Friends and Family members a GREAT favor by
sending this information to them. You will be providing a service to your
friends. And you will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam emails
in the future!
Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types
of listing regardless how inviting they might sound! Or make you feel guilty if
you don't! It's all about getting email addresses and nothing more.
You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT!
Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later and very
possibly a virus attached! Plus, we are helping the spammers get rich!
Let's not make it easy for them!
ALSO: Email petitions are NOT acceptable to Congress of any
other organization - i.e. social security, etc. To be acceptable,
petitions must have a "signed signature" and full address of the
person signing the petition, so this is a waste of time and you are just
helping the email trackers.
Tips for Handling Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work!!
(1) The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much
more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone
company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your
handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone
soliciting..
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the
other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone
calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a
'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one
there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times
as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call, and it
kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name
in their system any longer!!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill,
return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own
junk mail away.
When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not
throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It
costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage, 'IF' and when they receive
them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was
around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In
that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these
cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney 's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then
just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't
on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to
keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot
of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's
let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're
paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying
that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to
increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
If enough people follow these tips, it will work I have been
doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
You have probably read
this before. It's good to read it again.
Written by a Cop for Our Own Safety
This goes for men as well as women.
Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It
may save your life or a loved one's life.
In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these
things to do in an emergency situation...
This is for you, and for you to
share with your wife, your children, & everyone you know.
After reading these 9 crucial tips,
forward them to someone you care about.
It never hurts to be careful in this crazy
world we live in.
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do:
The elbow is the strongest point on
your body. If you are close enough to
use it, do!
2. Learned this from a tourist guide.
If a robber asks for your wallet and/or
purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it
away from you....
Chances are that he is more interested in
your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the
wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER
DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the
trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the
hole and start waving like crazy. The
driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into
their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing
their checkbook, or making a list, etc.)
DON'T DO THIS!
The predator will be watching
you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the
passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE
DOORS AND LEAVE.
If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF,
Repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF!
Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking
the car.
Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they
will get the worst of it.
As soon as the car crashes bail out and
run. It is better than having
them find your body
in a remote location.
5. A few notes about getting into your car
in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into
your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van,
enter your car from the passenger door.
Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into
their vans while the women
are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's
side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting
alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the
mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
(And better paranoid than dead.)
6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead
of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible
places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)
7. If the predator has a gun and you are
not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The
predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and
even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag
pattern!
8. As women, we are always trying to
be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was
a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the
sympathies of unsuspecting women.
He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for
help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he
abducted his next victim.
9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend
heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the
police because it was late and she thought it was weird.. The police
told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door..'
The lady then said that it sounded
like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would
crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way,
whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.'
He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry
recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that
someone dropped off a baby. He said
they have not verified it,
but have had several calls by women saying
that they hear baby's cries outside their doors
when they're home alone at night.
10. Water scam! If you wake up in the
middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a
burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside
taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and
then attack.
Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors!
Please pass this on. This should
probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was
mentioned on America's Most Wanted when they profiled the serial killer
in Louisiana.
It is shocking to fine one's
location on Earth so very EASILY! I was surprised to know such
technology exists.
Don't need a tom-tom or tom cat or whatever. It uses your IPS address and
finds the exact location of any internet user in seconds. They have used
a time based algorithm to do so. Find your own location!
Your location will pop up in a new window in about 10 seconds or so.
EVER WONDER WHAT TWO FEET OF SNOW LOOKS LIKE ??
WELL …
Let’s
start with a laugh!
Unbaked Yeast Rolls
Those of you who have animals will probably appreciate this the most. It is a
story that is hilarious in itself and the person who wrote it is a good writer
and made the story even better. Enjoy...
We have a fox
terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from
the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar with
this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom you
know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
Like a child, the
dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on
top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually
performing a French kiss on me.
Lest you think this
is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried
every means to break him of this habit, including locking him in a separate
bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200.
But I digress.
Five weeks ago we
began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright
obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving
for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family
most of the time. I was assigned the
task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving
feasts we did attend.
I am still cursing
the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the
only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.
I made the decision
to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen
was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to
smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them
in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go out
to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the
oven.
It was 8:30 PM.
When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock,
one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst
nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He
looked like a combination of the Pillsbury Dough Boy and the Michelin Tire man
wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks
were bloated.
I ran to the phone
and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told
me the dog would probably be okay; however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol
every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a
dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick.
Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and
pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.
We arose at 7:30 and
as we always do first thing, put the dog out to relieve himself. Well,
the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into
walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking, his
front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the
grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his
leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran
down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop himself and nearly
ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as
a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second
call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his
belly and that he was indeed drunk.
He assured me that,
not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or
5 hours, and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him
by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my
sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.
My sister lives
outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly
secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat
onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.
Now I know you
probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after
eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps
were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a
drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.
Now he was beginning
to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not
telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's,
thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.
Once Jasper was
firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down
to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of
conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness
my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk
without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what
goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.
Granted if it had
been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have
put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite
different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when
we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on
the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.
This was another
naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop
on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose.
It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.
We finally tried to
remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer
their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the
remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the
darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints
all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.
Well, by this time
the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before
we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.
I am happy to report
that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and
temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the
worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this
evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.
It appears he must
have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them
for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the
computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'
And how was your
day?
Makes me hurt just watching this – unbelievable!
First Grade Drawing -
PRICELESS!
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for
her homework assignment.
The teacher graded
it and the child brought it home.
She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. It is
NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male
customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my
daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of
me selling a shovel.