Humor Page
Just For Fun
Humor 2007
Grandkids!
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the
watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,
"But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
*******************************************************************
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked
me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
*******************************************************************
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and
more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*******************************************************************
A grandmother was telling her little
granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our
front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in
the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I' d gotten to know you
sooner!"
*******************************************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
*******************************************************************
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor.
She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
*******************************************************************
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying
sadly, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
*******************************************************************
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off
until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
*******************************************************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says
I'm four to six."
*******************************************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and
add 'es’."
*******************************************************************
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a
child."
*******************************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children
started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrants."
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and
generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is
also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,
Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi
will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Amy,
a blonde Colorado girl from Denver marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his
way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination
man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail
into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets
here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination
man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They
walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the
cow to be bred?
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very
confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess
it's to hang your pants on."
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries
regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of
Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious,
but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of
property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who
did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream
of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review
of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore,
the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection
Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113
of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed
during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot
be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition
by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with
this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in
this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please
feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am
the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run,
Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my
Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use
of natures building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not
think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to
the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued.
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of
the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to
legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them
with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the
dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is
a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them
and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did
not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring
Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The
Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for
you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental
quality, health problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate
the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you
on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls --
they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Texan are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops
out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total,'
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to
be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come
into our precious state.'
POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
those countries.
The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5 000 feet high, 500 feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable.'
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer and smiles.
He says; 'Fill it with water.'
Here is some real thought
provoking humor for you: Suppose the
president decided to chuck it all in answer to his critics?
President Bush Resigns! Author
Unknown
Normally, I start these things
out by saying, "My fellow Americans."
Not
doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than
half of you are anymore.
I
do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow
Americans any longer.
I'll
cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather
about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something,
let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in
this office.
The
reason I'm quitting is simple: I'm fed up with you people.
I'm
fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world
– or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of
you are too damn lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's
start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news
media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank.
And that's despite record numbers of homeowners, including record numbers of minority homeowners. And while we're
mentioning m minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at
an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the
Clinton administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't
seem to have sunk in.
Despite
the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record
levels, and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too
damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased
demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots
are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic
security.
We
face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil"
thing. If I were trading blood for oil, I would've already seized Iraq's oil
fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this
"Bush Lied; People Died" crap either. If I were the liar you morons
take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they
could be "discovered." Instead, I owned up to the fact that the
intelligence was faulty.
Let
me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as
me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official U.S. policy
before I came into office. Some guy named Clinton established that policy. Bet
you didn't know that, did you?
You
idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the Cold
War, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off.
We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally the Communists wanted to
survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.
That's
not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they
survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't
also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are.
They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
You
should be grateful they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States
since Sept. 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a
small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland security
people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned
you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of
you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of
"Survivor."
Instead,
you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens
of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few
months, a few years, tops.
Making
matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you
buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run
Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a
grenade launcher to a jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In
this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the
Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But
even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch
"American Idol."
I
could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there
to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea
level and has a hurricane approaching.
I
could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet,
is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to
do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So
I quit. I'm going back to Crawford; I've got an energy-efficient house down
there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully
self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as
soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll
be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh,
and by the way, Cheney's quitting, too. That means Pelosi is your new
president. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still
have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are
smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So
that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean. The
rest of you, kiss off.
A Japanese doctor says,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of
one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six
weeks."
A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them
out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington
where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking
for work."
Help Line ... more signs of
outsourcing
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline.
I was put through to a 'call center'
in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling
suicidal.
They were
very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an
airplane....
Pee
Test
Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as they see
fit.
In order to get that paycheck. . . I am required to pass a random urine
test, which I have no problem
with.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to
people who don't have to pass a urine
test.
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, because
I have to pass one to earn it for
them?
Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on
their
feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit
on their ass and smoke pot all day. You shouldn't be able to use
government money to buy
pot.
Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had
to pass a urine test to get a public assistance
check?
|
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little
girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in
white?' 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment, then
said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' |
|
|
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida
or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to
you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show
me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she
pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her
scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are
you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a
blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger
is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at
the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A
SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the
moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn
up!" said the Russian
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you
hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or
off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked
her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard
of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch
dogs!"
Liberals and
Conservatives - The History
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying
to get more for nothing.
A very self-important college freshman attending
a recent football
game, took it upon himself to explain
to a senior citizen sitting
next to him why it was impossible for
the older generation to
understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world,
actually an almost primitive
one," the student said, loud
enough for many of those nearby to
hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet
planes, space travel, man walking on
the moon,
our spaceships have visited Mars. We
have nuclear energy, electric
and hydrogen cars, computers with
light-speed processing ....and,"
pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break
in the student's litany and
said, "You're right, son. We
didn't have those things when we were
young........so we "invented"
them. Now, you arrogant little shit,
what are you doing for the next
generation?"
Hillaryisms –
She had a childhood dream was to
be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she
wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She
said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should
she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants
to be president because she can't do anything else.' --- Jay Leno
'Well, the big story --- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in
2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants
to see what it's like to sleep in the
president's bed.' --- Jay Leno
'Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for
president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while
others hate it.' --- Conan O'Brien
'In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President
Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan . Probably for the same
reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk.' --- Jay
Leno
'Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected
president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton ---
when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.' ---
Jay Leno
'Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know
what sign? 'For Sale .' ' --- Jay Leno
'A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for
$400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still,
that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I
got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.' ' --- Jay Leno
'Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all
ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton 's former
business partners can vote for her in 2008.' --- Jay Leno
'Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality
shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with
an intern.' --- Craig Kilborn
In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it
was like meeting Bill Clinton , falling in love with him, getting married,
and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page
two,the trouble starts.' --- Jay Leno
'In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she
said, 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry,
that's what Monica said.' --- David Letterman
'Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has
no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of
the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly
disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment
family.' --- David Letterman
'Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new
home in Washington People said it was a lot like the parties she used to
host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.'
--- Jay Leno
'Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his
campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a
promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the
night on the couch.' --- Craig Kilborn
'CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America.
Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her
because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.' -- - Jay
Leno
'Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York .
When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible the one
with only seven commandments.' --- David Letterman
A little American
Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch Doctor of the tribe,
"Papa, why is it that we have long names, while The white men have shorter
names like Bill, Tex, Sam...
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a
symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live
all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is
part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over
The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon
reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of
the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops
over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our
capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made
in China
A
fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he
hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small
stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The
Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5."
The
Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I
should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK,"
said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you
continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely
restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering,
the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered
back.
"Your
***** brother won't let me in without a tie."
Recently, while going through an
airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with
long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you
look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight
ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just
stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret
Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy
or does that man not look like Moses to you?
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the
president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight
ahead, refusing to speak.. Watch!"
Again the president yelled,
"Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up
to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are
you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered
back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent
40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only
spot in the entire Middle East with NO oil."
This sounds about right.
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25
years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the
congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was
delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the
parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very
first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television
set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all
like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving
people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full
of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person
to
go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE
SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000
AL QAEDA TERRORISTS OR ILLEGAL
ALIENS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE US
CITIZEN "
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia
.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. But
we pride ourselves on being a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps
our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense
of humor?)
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any
day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some
radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological
points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida._ If you're new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane
preparedness plan:
_STEP 1:_ Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
_STEP 2:_ Put these supplies into your car.
_STEP 3:_ Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
_HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:_ If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as
your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer
not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to
the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated
27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and
Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to
my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
_SHUTTERS:_
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
_Plywood shutters: _The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself,
they're cheap.
The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall
off.
_Sheet-metal shutters:_ The advantage is that these work well, once you
get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
_Roll-down shutters: _The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.
_Hurricane-proof windows: _These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Nebraska.
_Hurricane Proofing your property:_ As the hurricane approaches, check
your
yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles.
_EVACUATION ROUTE:_
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying
area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand
other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
_HURRICANE SUPPLIES:_
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
_23 flashlights._ At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the
power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
_Bleach. _(No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
_55 gallon drum _of underarm deodorant.
_A big knife_ that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
_A large quantity of raw chicken, _to placate the alligators. (Ask
anybody
who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)
_$35,000 in cash or diamonds_ so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
_Of course these are just basic precautions. _As the hurricane draws
near,
it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next
to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
_Good luck, and remember:_ It's great living in Paradise.
For everyone who has ever had an
evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
National government employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report,
this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy
is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator
demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer
calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly
goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc.,
in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all
in stride, figuring "battleship mouth and rowboat ass".
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets
done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the
"Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when
presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets
in the middle of the guy's face and said, "That's so when we go to court,
I'll remember you're an asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator"
has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney
to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red
light.
Under cross-examination, the defense attorney asks,
"Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my
client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his
signature and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or
notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative
there is an 'AH', underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes, Sir?"
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for
Asshole?"
Officer: "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do!"
Two NYC detectives are sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be opened sting location... as yet, the store isn't ready -- only
a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now
some yokel is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask
what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks,
"What’re y'all sellin' here?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."
Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says, "Well, I see
y'all're doing real good, thar's only two left!"
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file folder in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Click "Empty the trash."
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham
Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week you can do Nancy Pelosi.
You deserve to feel GOOD!
Pastor
entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that
he entered him in another race and he won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor
not to
enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas .. the Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY???
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and
even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life.
(Or more simply stated - Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll
live longer.)
One Sunday
morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church
staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American
flags mounted on either side of it.
The
seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning,
Alex."
"Good
morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor,
what is this?" he asked.
The pastor
said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died
in the service."
Soberly,
they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally,
little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which
service? The 8:30 or the 10:45?"
Where to Live After Retirement
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've
experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.
3. You can
drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have
over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know
that " dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you
open your oven door.
6. The 4
seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
THREE THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT:
- THE COWS
- THE CONSTITUTION
- THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
ON COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give
them all a cow.
ON
THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq, why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
ON
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
courthouse........ You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou
Shalt
Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building
full of
lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
The
Best Definition of Political Correctness I Have Ever Seen
Political Correctness is a
doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, bureaucratic minority, and
rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.
You Old Folks might remember the original version of these
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's
are revising their hits with new lyrics, to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo
Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again!
NEW WORDS FOR 2007
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace and elsewhere!
-- BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
-- SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.
-- SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
-- MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
-- SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them
stops working to stay home with the kids.
-- SWIPEOUT
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
-- IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles
that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop
watching them..
-- 404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested
site could not be located.
-- GENERICA
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints,
strip malls, and subdivisions.
-- OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake. Like after hitting
Send on an email by mistake.
-- WOOFS
Well-Off Older Folks.
Californians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck,
hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
Somebody had to come up with this.
You know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in
English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named
Flower.
5. You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,
And you can taste the
difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . Is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap
And sunglasses who
looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy
With their cells
or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to
avoid
All the
weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and
cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.
If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Dearest friends,
I am writing to you to ask for your help in shedding light on a perplexing
situation I find myself contemplating.
I have selected you as a group to aid me because you have known me for a long
time and I value your opinion.
Your religious experiences are varied and that is important to the problem I am
faced with.
Over the years, we have all observed the seemingly random factors that affect
all of our lives, sometimes without apparent rhyme or reason.
We have seen some marriages dissolve over nothing and others grow stronger
under adverse conditions.
We have seen fate play a role in who survives critical illnesses and who
succumbs to them.
We have all seen good people suffer great misfortunes while some people of low
character thrive.
In our lifetime, we have seen Churches and Religious institutions all around
the world become revised, televised, energized and even scandalized.
We are all well aware that a higher power has control of nearly all things.
Personally, I have stood in the doorway of a 7/11 in Los Angeles amid a
shootout between the police and a gunman and walked away unscathed.
On a golf course, I saw a lightning bolt strike a man dead while those of us
nearby where untouched.
We all watched as Hurricane Katrina ravaged some areas of the coast and left
other nearby homes standing intact.
The enormity of these random and seemingly unfair applications of good or bad
fortune is at the core of my dilemma.
I have studied sacred writings of all major religions searching for an answer,
and now I pose the question to you.
I cannot fathom that the highest power in this universe could take Anna Nicole
Smith from us and leave Hillary behind.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was
perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a
dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN! SINGAPORE ) and
tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric
skillet (MADE IN INDIA, he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to
see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to
the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with
GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB .
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer
(Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL ) pou red himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE.! France!! )
and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find
a good paying job in AMERICA.....
REGARDLESS OF YOUR POLITICAL
AFFILIATION, THE SPIN PUT ON THIS STORY IS GOOD, very good!
Judy, a professional
genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle,
Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in moral character, was
hanged for horse stealing
and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows
him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:
"Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885,
escaped 1887, and robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton
for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus'
picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it
with image processing
software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical
sketch is as follows:
"Remus Rodham was a
famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include the
acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate
dealings with the Montana
railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at
a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
Railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away
during an important civic function
held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
Mammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the
following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all,
you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as
hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't
effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the
temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and
lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the
car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into
the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the
stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently
with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its
fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to
catch those fish?”
“Naw, sir”, replied the redneck. “I ain’t got none of them there licenses. You
must understand, these here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?”
“Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and
let ‘em swim ‘round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back
into these here ice chests and I take ‘em home.
“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that.”
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said,
“It’s the truth Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.”
“O. K.”, said the warden. “I’ve got to see this!”
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, “Well?”
“Well, what?”, says the redneck.
The warden says, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH”, replied the warden!
“What fish?”, replied the redneck.
Moral of the story:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as
dumb as some government employees.
LITTLE DAVIE
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her
class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The
teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
**************
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
***************
A Sunday School teacher of pre- schoolers was concerned that his students might
be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season
emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I
know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he
gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this. Little Davie said,
"Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom
door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
****************
The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She
called on him and said, " Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and
44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon
Network!"
***************
Little Davies's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most
wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo
of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"
***************
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you
doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I
have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.
Why God Created Children
To
those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T !"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve…we have forbidden fruit!"
"No
Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because
I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't
stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then
why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having
had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have
children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
California Biker
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above
his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she
means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road
was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died
away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to
get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge
of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed
that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel
pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of
the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and
the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated,
"It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned
the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short
thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large
whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the
rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful." A horse, you
say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the
rancher, "because that black horse is a big liar and doesn't know sh*t
about cars."