Humor Page
Just For Fun
If you have come here for a good laugh, we’re glad to be
accommodating!
Hours of fun reading exists here and on the several pages of
archives. Some repeats exist simply
because it is a major job to edit the material on this site, but humor is such
an important component for a healthy psyche, we will continue to bring you the best
we find. Enjoy! DebV
Humor 2008
Legend of Judaism in Italy and the Pope
|
Legend
has it that several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the
Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate
with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in
Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. |
Childbirth at
65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend
of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and
went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while
first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby
now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
Southern Ingenuity
|
I took my dad to the
mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite
at the food court.
I noticed he was
watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring
at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had
had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I
quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he
would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his
response.
'Got drunk once, and
had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
Quote of the day from a fund manager: "This is worse than a divorce... I've lost half of my net worth and I still have my wife.." The bailout, a different perspective ..... Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze?
Notice: Due to
recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as
current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned
off.
We apologize
for the inconvenience.
Two Blondes With
Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
house.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull
out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those
nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have
the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
Katie Couric, Charlie
Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by
terrorists in Iraq .
~
The leader of the
terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they
were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
~
Katie Couric said,
'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.
~
Couric ate it all and
said, 'Now I can die content.'
~
Charlie Gibson said,
'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me one
last time.'
~
The terrorist's
leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew
the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.
~
Gibson was satisfied.
~
Brian Williams said,
'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe
the scene here and what's about to happen. Just maybe, someday, someone will
hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
~
The leader directed
an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He
then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
~
The leader turned and
said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?'
~
'Kick me in the ass,'
said the Marine.
~
'What?' asked the
leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
~
'No. I'm NOT kidding.
I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
~
So the leader shoved
him into the yard and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but
rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the
leader, dead.
In the resulting
confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed
the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took and sprayed the rest of the
terrorists killing another 11! In a flash, all of them were either dead or
fleeing for their lives.
~
As the Marine was
untying Couric, Gibson and Williams,
they asked him : 'Why
didn't you just shoot them all in the first place?
Why did you ask him
to kick you in the ass?'
~
'What!?!' replied the
Marine,
'And have you three
assholes report that I was the aggressor....?'
Two Garbage
Bags
A little old lady is
walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto
the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman
stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really?
Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I
can find them. Thanks for telling me..'
'Well, now, not so
fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal
it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the
little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game
days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge
clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say,
'$20 or off it comes.'
'Well, that seems
only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know',
says the little old lady, 'not everybody
pays.’
For Sale:
John Deere A – Runs
good. Missing seat and steering
wheel.
Ideal for person who
has lost his ass and don’t know which way to turn.
IMPORTANT
HEALTH ISSUE FOR WOMEN
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help
ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and
willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the
benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses
you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want
to live.
Shyness and
awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you
never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be
right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use
Margaritas.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to
try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness, nausea,
vomiting, incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Three men - a
Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a biker guy are all walking together
one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of
you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I
am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink
of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the
blink
of
the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am
very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains,
'Well,
it's about
5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down
on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with
water.'
A Japanese doctor
says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of
one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in 6 weeks.'
A German doctor says,
'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and
have him out looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor
says, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out
of one person, put it in another and have both of them out looking for work
in two weeks.'
The American doctor,
not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to
take a Muslim with no brains, put him in the White House, and then half the
country will be out looking for work in one week.'
Barack Hussein Obama
discovers a leak under his sink and calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.
Joe drives to Obama's house, which is in a very nice neighborhood where it's
clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year.
Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. He's shown the room that
contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Joe figures it's an easy job that will
take less than ten minutes.
Obama is standing
near the door and asks Joe how much it will cost.
Joe immediately says,
"$9,500." "$9,500?"
Obama replies
stunned. "But you said it's an easy job!"
"Yeah, but what
I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so
I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free,"
responds Joe.
Obama tells Joe there's no way he's paying that much, so Joe leaves.
A week later the leak
gets so bad that the Obamas have to put a bucket under the sink, and it fills
up every two hours, so they call Joe back. Joe goes back to the Obamas, looks
at the leaky pipe, and says "It'll cost you about $21,000."
Obama immediately
says "A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!" Joe explains,
"Well, a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so
there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing we're doing for the
people who make less than $250,000 - and I refuse to charge the lesser income
people for plumbing work."
Obama tries to straighten out Joe. "But don't you get it? If all the rich
people learn how to do their own plumbing and you won't charge the poor people,
what will you do for money?"
Joe immediately replies, "Become a Democrat and run for president".
Great Bumper sticker, I Need One Like This:
l'll keep my God, my freedom, my guns, and my money, you can keep THE CHANGE.
Comments Made in the
Year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to
be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before
$2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a
letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside
help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29
cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing
their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new
movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on
the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call
astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a
year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married
women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of
foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our
income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the
best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt
they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs
nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too
rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Interesting
Observation
The sport of choice
for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
The sport of
choice for maintenance-level employees is BOWLING.
The sport of
choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of
choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport
of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and
The sport
of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING
CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in
the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!!
The Smiths were
unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start
their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here
soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened
to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said,
'I've come to..'
Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting
you.'
’Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good Did you know
babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to
me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on
the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out
there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and
when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we
can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there
was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face, up next to her
rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over
in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric
shaver
which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which
fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the
Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important
call.
Damn women drivers!!
The Haircut
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this
week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. When the barber goes
to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen
roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that
day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the
shop. The next morning when the barber
opens his shop, there is a 'thank you'
card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business'
and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he g oes to pay his bill
the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves
the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a
dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
Vote carefully this year.
SOME FASCINATING
THINGS ON TOMBSTONES
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see
if the car was on the way down.
It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist,
all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery :
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast...
Pardon me for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was
I As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent ..
Until I know which way you went
I just want to thank
all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper
towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person
was doing while flipping through the channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon
peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how
many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that
needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who
is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program .
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I' m p umping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me..
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda
in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American
troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for
or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
Thanks to you, I
can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath
my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
Football FINALLY
makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight
pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept sc reaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!*
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just
recovered from an accident. Someone had
given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite
toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy
a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots
of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I
come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know...)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the
toilet?
NEW STOCK MARKET
TERMS
CEO --Chief
Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @
$240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
A woman walked into
the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
We need to revisit
this one every now and then . . .
A woman in a hot air
balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a
bass boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consulted his
portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet
above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees,
14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'
She rolled her eyes
and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
'I am,' replied the
bass fisherman. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the
balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea
what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help to me.'
The man smiled and
responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the
balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the bass
fisherman, 'You don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen
to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that
you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's
my fault.
Early Retirement
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are
forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees
will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of
younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever
Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are
SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside
the company. SLAPPED employees can
request a review of their employment records
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is
called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have
been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the
new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED
twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee
follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined
Lump-sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received
HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to
assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue
its policy of training employees through our: Special High
Intensity Training (SHIT). We take
pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees
more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feel they do not
receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you
can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
None of that Sissy
Crap
Are you tired of
those sissy 'friendship' poems?
Well, here is a
series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no
cutesy little smiley faces on this card-just the stone cold truth of our great
friendship.
1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider
monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. When you are blue
-- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile --
I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared
-- we will high tail it out of here.
5. When you are
worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be
until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are
confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick
--Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall --
I'll pick you up and dust you off--
After I laugh my butt
off!!
9. This is my oath...I
pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!
A teacher in Elmira,
New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the
teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be
different...again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a
Republican,
so I'm a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and
your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an
Obama fan.'
How to Give a Cat a
Pill
1. Pick up cat and
cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from
floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
3. Retrieve cat from
bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from
foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from
goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from
curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from
hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label
to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with e lastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire
department to retrieve the stinkin' cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of
dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14. Consume remainder
of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from you know where and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Quote for the
day:
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to
her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of
shit."
A woman from New York
was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out
a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station
attendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on
the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'
I didn't check
Snopes to see if this actually works or if it's a scam or hoax.
It has been said that....
If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
You should spray yourself with some Windex immediately......
It'll keep you from streaking.
I was talking to a
friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some
day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so
I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing
you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd
give houses to all the homeless people.'
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're
President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds,
and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the
grocery store where the homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the
$50 to use toward a new house.'
She thought that over
for a few seconds while her Mom glared at me, then she looked me
straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and
do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, "Great Idea and Welcome to the Republican Party !!!"
Her folks still aren't talking to me
Definition Of
Hypocrisy
John Edwards has been
banned from making a speech at the Democratic National Convention for having an
affair and lying about it.
Instead Bill Clinton
will be speaking in his place!
] A woman went up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to
hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands
beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can
do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continue d, running her forefinger
across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his
mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand-soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room.'
Ya just can't make this stuff
up!!
When Sarasota resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently,
thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex
watch. What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled
with a grayish-white powder.' (That's at least the way the police report
described it.)
A spokesman for the Sarasota police said, 'that it looked similar to high
grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.'
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the
burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died
three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as
Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too;
about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus
blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard
feelings. Have a nice day!'
BEING RETIRED
Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to
make our
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went
downtown to
go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my
investments. I was only i n there for about 5 minutes. When
I came
out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him,
'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a
retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or
child
molesters...that's out of your league , obviously!!! He ignored
me and
continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He
glared at me
and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him
'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.
This went
on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets
he
wrote. Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on
the bus.
The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that
said 'OBAMA' in 08. I try to have a little fun each day now that
I'm
retired. It's important to my health.
|
Children In
Sunday School LOT'S WIFE: GOOD SAMARITAN: DID NOAH FISH? HIGHER POWER: MOSES AND THE RED SEA : THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: UNANSWERED PRAYER? BEING THANKFUL UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER TIME TO PRAY ALL MEN /
ALL GIRLS? SAY A PRAYER |
|
An older
gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist All the
patients in the waiting room snapped their heads |
The worlds shortest books....
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
& Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN
ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse
Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT
BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin
Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis
Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore
& John Kerry
_______________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE
PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL
SPEECHES
by Dr. J
Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de
Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH TELEPHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by
O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted
Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF PERSONAL MORALS
by
Bill Clinton with introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
_______________________________________________
AND, JUST
ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
by Nancy Pelosi
___________________________________
My Accomplishments in Congress
by
Barack OBama
PSALM 2008-2012
FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT
OBAMA IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT
WANT.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL
FACTORIES
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF
UNEMPLOYMENT
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE
VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE, I
SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.
OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH
TAXES, MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME, SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL
FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
THE DEMOCRATS AND I WILL LIVE
FOREVER IN A RENTED HOME.
BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN, I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG AND OBAMA
A TREE.
The Military ~ Then and Now
1945 - If you got drunk off duty
your buddies would take you back to the
barracks to sleep it off.
2008 - If you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
1945 - You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2008 - You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and
retreat because you're out of ammo.
1945 - Canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot
chocolate in them.
2008 - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them,
and they always taste like plastic.
1945 - Officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded
respect.
2008 - Officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.
1945 - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
2008 - They collect your pee and analyze it.
1945 - If you didn't act right, the First Sergeant put you in the brig
until you straightened up.
2008 - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you
forever.
1945 - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of
their own.
2008 - Medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.
1945 - You slept in barracks like a soldier.
2008 - You sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.
1945 - You ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all
the food you wanted.
2008 - You eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of
butter costs, and you better not take too much.
1945 - We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
2008 - We come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.
1945 - If you wanted to relax, you went to the rec center, played pool,
smoked and drank beer.
2008 - You go to the community center and you can play in the pool.
1945 - If you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or
Officer's Club.
2008 - The beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone
is watching how much you drink.
1945 - The Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much
money.
2008 - You can get better and cheaper merchandise at Wal-Mart and
K-Mart.
1945 - Mouth off to a sergeant and get pounded.
2008 - Do it now and get handed a "time-out" card.
1945 - We called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs"
because we
didn't like them.
2008 - We call the enemy the "opposing force" or
"aggressor" because we
don't want to offend them.
1945 - Victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his
things were broken.
2008 - Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
1945 - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2008 - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
1945 - Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important
victories.
2008 - Wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.
1945 - We were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to
winning.
2008 - We don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is
committed to social programs.
1945 - All you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian
again.
2008 - All you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian
again.
If you have ever lived in Phoenix, Arizona this
should amuse you. If you haven’t,
here’s what you’ve missed!
HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX:
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS'.
There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will
be included in the advanced course.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from
noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your
speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is
considered 'Wussy'.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version
of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at
a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East
Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out,
and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you
shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix . Detour barrels
are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night
to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels,
cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits,
crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of
these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the '10' are the same road unless it's
the part of the I17 that is also called the Maricopa Freeway.
SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY unless it's east of the 101 and
then it becomes the SanTan, then it ends, and then becomes the SanTan again.
SR 143 is a street AND a freeway at the same time. Either way, it's the Hohokam
Expressway.
No one really knows what purpose SR153 has exactly.
SR51 has been called both the Squaw Peak Freeway and Piestewa Freeway. Depends
who's talking to you.
US60 on the east side is the Superstition Freeway. On the west side it's a
diagonal road with lots of traffic lights that's best avoided altogether.
Sometimes you'll hear things on the traffic reports that refer to 'the
innerloop.' No one (besides traffic reporters) ever called anything in Phoenix
by that name. Matter of fact, I'm not sure where that is exactly.
Dunlap and Olive are the same street.
Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street.
SR 101 is the Pima FWY east of I-17, which is the Black Canyon FWY (south of
the 101, north of the 101 it is Veterans Memorial HWY) unless you are south of
the 202 then the 101 becomes the Price FWY. SR 101 west of I-17 (at all times)
is the Agua Fria FWY.
No one is quite sure where Bethany 's Home is.
Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become
Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder
immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you
are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you
return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
13. It's a sport to make a yellow light from at least 500 feet away.
(If this weren't so true, it would really
be pretty funny!)
Medical Info For Women
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
- Everyone around you has an attitude
problem.
- You're adding chocolate chips to your
cheese omelet.
- The dryer has shrunk every last pair
of your jeans.
- Your husband is suddenly agreeing to
everything you say.
- You're using your cellular phone to
dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
- Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
- Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
- You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
- The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and
eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
St. Peter
and the Rich Man
Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed
until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one
suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold
bullion.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he
could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God,"
the man explained.
"That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?"
The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement?"
OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC
nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution:
Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't
buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to
go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel butt!
John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama
were walking down a Washington D.C. street when they came upon a homeless man.
John McCain gave the man his business card and told
him to come to his office for a job. He
then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the man.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came
upon another homeless person she decided to help. She walked over to him and gave him directions to the welfare
office. She then reached into John
McCain’s pocket and got out $20. She
kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless man $5.
When they came upon yet another homeless person,
Barack told him to, “have hope … change is coming …” and gave him nothing.
Now do you understand the difference?
And in the interest of Fair and Balanced Humor,
here is an old one:
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the president this
morning. He told Bush that three
Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone’s amazement, all the color ran from Bush’s face, then he
collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally he composed himself and asked
Rumsfeld, “Just exactly how many is a brazillion?”
A Department of Agriculture representative
stopped at a ranch in Texas and
talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your
water allocation."
The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there."
The representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with
me. See this card?
This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on
any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Rep running for the fence and close
behind was the rancher's bull.
The bull was gaining on the Rep with every
step. The
Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the
fence and shouted out.....
Your card! Show him your card!
When I got home from work last night, my wife
demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...............
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!
They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God
for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2006 Release). (okay, so they’re a little old.)
-------------------------------------------------- --------
The Fasting
& Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon
this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching
for Jesus.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The
peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in
prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to
love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let
worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------
---------------------------------------------
Miss
Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of
you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next
Thursday there will be tryouts for the cho ir. They need all the help
they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector
will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break
Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving
Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
At the
evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Com e
early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new
choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and
to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are
saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place
your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church
will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck
supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------ ---------
The ladies
of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in
the basement on Friday afternoon.
---
-------------------------------- ------ -----------------
This evening
at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible
Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor
would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self
Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.
-------
--------------------------------------------------
The
eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight
Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use
the large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The
Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
Balancing……….
Almost seven years ago I sat, as did millions of
other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition
of power. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched
George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly
vanished
as I later watched the Clinton's board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with
rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President and first lady. It was
then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under the
Clinton administration. Every last one of them missed.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last
year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New
Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a
depth of 20
feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old
copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, 'The Muncie Star,' a local
newspaper in INDIANA, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet
in his pasture near Auburn, (DeKalb County) Indiana, Bobby Mitchell, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Bobby has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Indiana had
already gone wireless.
Who said Hoosiers were hicks?
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries
of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I
was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for over a year.'
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book
about churches around the country. He
started his research by flying to San Francisco and working eastward from
there. Going to a very large church, he
began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule
wall and was intrigued with a sign which read, “Calls: $10,000 a minute.” Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the
phone and the sign. The pastor answered
that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the
price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his
way. As he continued to visit churches
in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United
States, he found more phones with the same sign and the same answer from each
pastor.
Finally he arrived in Georgia. Upon entering a church in Georgia, behold –
he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign read, “Calls: 35
cents.”
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told that it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in all the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?”
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “Son,
you’re in the South now…
You’re in God’s country – it’s a local call!”
The best lawyer story of all time...bar none.
The United Way realized that it had never received a
donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid
the lawyer a Visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you
don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community Through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your
research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't
know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother,
a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to
support his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm
so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to
them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
CARDBOARD MEN...
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps
out of the car and opens the trunk. She
takes out two cardboard men unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the
vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and
private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car
arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?' he asks.
'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'
Italian Boy's Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have
sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you,
little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I
don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her
name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name
her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"W as it Rosa Di Angelo,
then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've
sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you
go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his
friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you
get?"
"4 months vacation and five
good leads."
Tax Tip !
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process
for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate
and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill 's provisions is
accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for
five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine
and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when
I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone
figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes
every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of
taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I
can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent
result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency
room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying
premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost
$10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would
receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as
well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United
States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of
renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance
premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age
children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal
(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be
most appreciative.
Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA
Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service
1-800-289-1040.
Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great
offer!!!!
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books,
'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the
following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical
stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton:.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica..
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:.... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
A
biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's
cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to
pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The
biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose
with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go
of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly.
A
NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says,
"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole
life."
"Why,
it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well,
I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York
Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What
motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"
"
A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. "
The
journalist leaves.
The
following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
BIKER
GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
After being interviewed by the school administration, the
teaching prospect said,
"Let me see if I've got this right: You want me to go into that room with
all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of
abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill
in them a love for learning. You want me to check their backpacks for weapons,
wage war on drugs and sexually- transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of
self-esteem and personal pride. You want me to teach them patriotism, good
citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, balance a
checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice,
recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and make sure that they all pass the
state exams. You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of
their handicaps and communicate regularly with their parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter, and report card. You want me to do all this with a piece
of chalk, blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a
starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this,
and then you tell me . . . .
. . .I CAN'T PRAY?
Hillbilly Birth
Deep in the back woods, of FLOYD County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went
into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist
in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I
am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor,
'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one
coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern
up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to
put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!' cried the
doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked
the doctor, . . .
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
The buzzword of this 2008
election is 'CHANGE.'
Candidates toss it around without saying how they will make and pay for the
change.
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who
inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad. The
lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The 'Gunny' responded, 'Aye,aye, Sir. I'll see to it immediately.' He went into
the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you
to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change
with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz ....' 'Change, now get on with
it!'
BOTTOM LINE: A candidate may promise change in Washington, but the stink
remains.
Dutch Opinion of OUR Elections
"We in Holland cannot figure out why you are even
bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a
lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge
chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here? "
Do you realize in about 40 years we’ll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos – and Rap music will be the Golden
Oldies???? Now that’s scary! -Maxine
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this
country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking
people in Florida . .
Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win
situation.
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the
levies.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is
only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No..
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are
alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . .
Well, you know how, sometimes, you just get so stressed and
life-stuff all of a sudden seems to get funny
I could NOT believe it . . . The driver was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said,
"Well........which one are you then?"
. . . And that's when the fight started . . .
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl
leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits
the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the
lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her
terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says,
"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have seen a man
do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the
New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first
page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you
have?"
"A Harley Davidson, and I am a Republican. "
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
And Texas
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!
Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think so.
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man
drinking from his pond with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die
kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water,
the cows have schitt in it. The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim,
I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!" The
Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more."
Maybe this is the way to teach the 10 Commandments today
so people would 'get it' and it wouldn't be construed as 'religious.
Tennessee Ten Commandments
Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those 'shalts' and 'shalt nots'
in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those
terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the 'King
James' into 'Jackson County' language.... No joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in
Gainesboro, TN.)
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(4) Watch yer mouth
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.
PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far
away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional
love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
There is no retirement – ever!
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back
of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he
had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the
principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what
he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of
the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your
mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me
that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
After
Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and lost his temper many times
costing her votes and finally escaping from her overly controlling campaign
manager for the evening, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some
local repute.
In
a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave
news.
'There's
no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you
lose the election.' Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary,
who was visibly shaken at this news.
Hillary
stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle,
then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to
know.
She
looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
her the big question:
'Will I be acquitted?
THIS ONE IS FOR THE GUYS!!!!
Who's
your best friend? Your Dog.
If you don't believe
it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your
wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the
trunk, who's really happy to see you?
The Democratic Party has a crisis of monumental
proportions; They don't know whether to vote for the "Nut" with two
Boobs or the "Boob" with two Nuts.
A Taliban Homicide bomber pulls the plug and
Explodes.......................BOOM!!!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white
staircase
Leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing
up. After an hour
Of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man
in white
Robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by
ledgers.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is
further up the
Stairs.
'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed
is higher
Than St Peter! I can hardly believe it.' With this he
carries on
Climbing up the stairs.
After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another
landing.
Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long
hair and a
Long white beard.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'Are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammad is further
up the
Stairs.
But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammad is
higher
Than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is
wonderful!!!'
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After
another hour or
So of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There,
sitting on a
Magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white
robes,
Beard and long white hair.
Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'
But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber,
'Mohammad is
Higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom
is more
Than wonderful!!!'
You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down
and rest
A while?'
'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love
a rest
Before I carry on, thank you.'
The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son,
would you
Like a cup of tea?'
'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank
you.'
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and
Shouts..........................
'Yo, Mohammad, two teas over here, and make it
snappy!!'
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
'Chicken
Surprise.'
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving
this!............
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking
Duck!'
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to
raise $5,000,000 for a monument of Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to
put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two
more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall
Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was
not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a
lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since
Hillary could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
Democrat of them all. He left, not knowing where he was going, and when he got
there he didn't know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been
and did it all on somebody else's money.
Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far - From Chelsea.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's
Hospital,
and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone
who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's
the patient's name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma
Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check
with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh,
good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as
normal.
And her physician, Dr . Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged
Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so
worried! God bless you for the good news.
The operator replied, “You're more than welcome. Is Norma your
daughter?”
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one
tells me anything."
Southern Fishing
A redneck was stopped
by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full
of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you h ave a license
to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got no fishin' license. But
you gotta understand something: these fish here are
my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I takes these fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they
jumps right back into the ice chests here and I takes 'em home.'
The redneck looked at the game warden intently for a moment and then
said, 'I swear it's the truth, Mr. Government
Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O.K.,' said the warden. 'I've got to see this shit!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the warden said, 'Well?'
Well, what?' asked the redneck.
The warden asked, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH!' yelled the warden!
'What fish?' asked the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not all be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain't all as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want to about the South, but you ain't never heard
of anyone retiring and moving up
North.
In January, 2009, Hillary Clinton gets elected President and
is spending her first night in the White House.
She has waited so long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best
serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the
ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
A NONPARTISAN JOKE
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck
and dies.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a
problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're
not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you
spend one day in hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend
eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St Peter is
waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit Heaven .
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your
eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have
said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it
in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't
understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and
danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and
my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today you voted.
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before
I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; the
Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might
even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."
Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a
press release about it.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his
right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of
serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Bill Clinton spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Bill.
"Amen" said Hillary.
The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would
like to do the same."
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT
THINGS
(or the uncertainty of the
English language)
Two guys were discussing popular
family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my
wife before we got married, Did you?
'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence
come from?'
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I
still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge
said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the
husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids'.
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been
living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were
used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to
fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him
how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,'
he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'OOPS'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
Latest Research:
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them
on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to
one, etc.
________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?
________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best
feel-good food around!!
________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' IS a shape! !
________________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an at attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a
Ride!"
It's a jungle out there! Life's too short to sweat the small stuff!
Tired dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house,
down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the
door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed
his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.
This
continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his
collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a
different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten
children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him
tomorrow?"