Humor Page
Just For Fun
If you have come here for a good laugh, we’re glad to be
accommodating!
Hours of fun reading exists here and on the several pages of
archives. Some repeats exist simply
because it is a major job to edit the material on this site, but humor is such
an important component for a healthy psyche, we will continue to bring you the
best we find. Enjoy! DebV
Humor 2008
John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama
were walking down a Washington D.C. street when they came upon a homeless man.
John McCain gave the man his business card and
told him to come to his office for a job.
He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the man.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came
upon another homeless person she decided to help. She walked over to him and gave him directions to the welfare
office. She then reached into John
McCain’s pocket and got out $20. She
kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless man $5.
When they came upon yet another homeless person,
Barack told him to, “have hope … change is coming …” and gave him nothing.
Now do you understand the difference?
And in the interest of Fair and Balanced Humor,
here is an old one:
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the president this
morning. He told Bush that three
Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone’s amazement, all the color ran from Bush’s face, then he
collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally he composed himself and asked
Rumsfeld, “Just exactly how many is a brazillion?”
A Department of Agriculture representative
stopped at a ranch in Texas and
talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your
water allocation."
The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there."
The representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with
me. See this card?
This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on
any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Rep running for the fence and close
behind was the rancher's bull.
The bull was gaining on the Rep with every
step. The
Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the
fence and shouted out.....
Your card! Show him your card!
When I got home from work last night, my wife
demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...............
So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!
They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God
for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2006 Release). (okay, so they’re a little old.)
-------------------------------------------------- --------
The Fasting
& Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon
this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching
for Jesus.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The
peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in
prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to
love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let
worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------
---------------------------------------------
Miss
Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of
you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next
Thursday there will be tryouts for the cho ir. They need all the help
they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector
will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break
Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving
Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
At the
evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Com e
early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new
choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and
to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are
saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place
your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want
remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church
will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck
supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------ ---------
The ladies
of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in
the basement on Friday afternoon.
---
-------------------------------- ------ -----------------
This evening
at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible
Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would
appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self
Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.
-------
--------------------------------------------------
The
eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight
Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use
the large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The
Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
Balancing……….
Almost seven years ago I sat, as did millions of
other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition
of power. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched
George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly
vanished
as I later watched the Clinton's board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with
rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President and first lady. It was
then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under the
Clinton administration. Every last one of them missed.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last
year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and
came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New
Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a
depth of 20
feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:
'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old
copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, 'The Muncie Star,' a local
newspaper in INDIANA, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet
in his pasture near Auburn, (DeKalb County) Indiana, Bobby Mitchell, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Bobby has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Indiana had
already gone wireless.
Who said Hoosiers were hicks?
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries
of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I
was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for over a year.'
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book
about churches around the country. He
started his research by flying to San Francisco and working eastward from
there. Going to a very large church, he
began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule
wall and was intrigued with a sign which read, “Calls: $10,000 a minute.” Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the
phone and the sign. The pastor answered
that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the
price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his
way. As he continued to visit churches
in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United
States, he found more phones with the same sign and the same answer from each
pastor.
Finally he arrived in Georgia. Upon entering a church in Georgia, behold –
he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign read, “Calls: 35
cents.”
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told that it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in all the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?”
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “Son,
you’re in the South now…
You’re in God’s country – it’s a local call!”
The best lawyer story of all time...bar none.
The United Way realized that it had never received a
donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid
the lawyer a Visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you
don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community Through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your
research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't
know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother,
a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm
so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to
them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
CARDBOARD MEN...
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps
out of the car and opens the trunk. She
takes out two cardboard men unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the
vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and
private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car
arrives.
The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle
yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?' he asks.
'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'
Italian Boy's Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have
sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you,
little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were
with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I
don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her
name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa
Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name
her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"W as it Rosa Di Angelo,
then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell
you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've
sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you
go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his
friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you
get?"
"4 months vacation and five
good leads."
Tax Tip !
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process
for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate
and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill 's provisions is
accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for
five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine
and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when
I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone
figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes
every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of
taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I
can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent
result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency
room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying
premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost
$10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would
receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as
well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United
States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of
renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance
premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age
children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal
(retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be
most appreciative.
Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA
Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service
1-800-289-1040.
Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great
offer!!!!
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books,
'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the
following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical
stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton:.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica..
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:.... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
A
biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's
cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to
pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The
biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose
with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go
of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly.
A
NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says,
"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole
life."
"Why,
it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well,
I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York
Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What
motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"
"
A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. "
The
journalist leaves.
The
following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
BIKER
GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
After being interviewed by the school administration, the
teaching prospect said,
"Let me see if I've got this right: You want me to go into that room with
all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of
abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill
in them a love for learning. You want me to check their backpacks for weapons,
wage war on drugs and sexually- transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of
self-esteem and personal pride. You want me to teach them patriotism, good
citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, balance a
checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice,
recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and make sure that they all pass the
state exams. You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of
their handicaps and communicate regularly with their parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter, and report card. You want me to do all this with a piece
of chalk, blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a
starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this,
and then you tell me . . . .
. . .I CAN'T PRAY?
Hillbilly Birth
Deep in the back woods, of FLOYD County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into
labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in
the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I
am doing!'
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor,
'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one
coming.'
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern
up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to
put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!' cried the
doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked
the doctor, . . .
'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'
The buzzword of this 2008
election is 'CHANGE.'
Candidates toss it around without saying how they will make and pay for the
change.
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who
inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad. The
lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The 'Gunny' responded, 'Aye,aye, Sir. I'll see to it immediately.' He went into
the tent and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you
to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change
with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz ....' 'Change, now get on with
it!'
BOTTOM LINE: A candidate may promise change in Washington, but the stink
remains.
Dutch Opinion of OUR Elections
"We in Holland cannot figure out why you are even
bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a
lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge
chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here? "
Do you realize in about 40 years we’ll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos – and Rap music will be the Golden
Oldies???? Now that’s scary! -Maxine
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this
country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking
people in Florida . .
Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win
situation.
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the
levies.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is
only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No..
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are
alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . .
Well, you know how, sometimes, you just get so stressed and
life-stuff all of a sudden seems to get funny
I could NOT believe it . . . The driver was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said,
"Well........which one are you then?"
. . . And that's when the fight started . . .
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl
leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits
the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the
lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her
terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says,
"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I have seen a man
do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the
New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first
page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you
have?"
"A Harley Davidson, and I am a Republican. "
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
And Texas
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!
Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think so.
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man
drinking from his pond with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die
kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the
water, the cows have schitt in it. The man shouts back: "I'm a
Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English,
infidel!" The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get
more."
Maybe this is the way to teach the 10 Commandments today
so people would 'get it' and it wouldn't be construed as 'religious.
Tennessee Ten Commandments
Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those 'shalts' and 'shalt nots'
in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those
terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the 'King
James' into 'Jackson County' language.... No joke, read on...
The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in
Gainesboro, TN.)
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(4) Watch yer mouth
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.
PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging,
permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far
away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional
love,
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
There is no retirement – ever!
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back
of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he
had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the
principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he
should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of
the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your
mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me
that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.
After
Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and lost his temper many times
costing her votes and finally escaping from her overly controlling campaign
manager for the evening, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some
local repute.
In
a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave
news.
'There's
no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you
lose the election.' Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary,
who was visibly shaken at this news.
Hillary
stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle,
then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to
know.
She
looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
her the big question:
'Will I be acquitted?
THIS ONE IS FOR THE GUYS!!!!
Who's
your best friend? Your Dog.
If you don't believe
it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife
in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the
trunk, who's really happy to see you?
The Democratic Party has a crisis of monumental
proportions; They don't know whether to vote for the "Nut" with two
Boobs or the "Boob" with two Nuts.
A Taliban Homicide bomber pulls the plug and
Explodes.......................BOOM!!!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white
staircase
Leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing
up. After an hour
Of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man
in white
Robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by
ledgers.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is
further up the
Stairs.
'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed
is higher
Than St Peter! I can hardly believe it.' With this he
carries on
Climbing up the stairs.
After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another
landing.
Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long
hair and a
Long white beard.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'Are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammad is further
up the
Stairs.
But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammad is
higher
Than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is
wonderful!!!'
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After
another hour or
So of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There,
sitting on a
Magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white
robes,
Beard and long white hair.
Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'
But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber,
'Mohammad is
Higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom
is more
Than wonderful!!!'
You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down
and rest
A while?'
'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love
a rest
Before I carry on, thank you.'
The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son,
would you
Like a cup of tea?'
'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank
you.'
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and
Shouts..........................
'Yo, Mohammad, two teas over here, and make it
snappy!!'
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
'Chicken
Surprise.'
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband r