Humor Page

Just For Fun

 

If you have come here for a good laugh, we’re glad to be accommodating! 

Hours of fun reading exists here and on the several pages of archives.  Some repeats exist simply because it is a major job to edit the material on this site, but humor is such an important component for a healthy psyche, we will continue to bring you the best we find.  Enjoy!  DebV   

Humor 2009

 

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

 

 

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate. 
********************** 

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. 
********************** 

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal? 
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. 
********************** 

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? 
A: A fund raiser. 
********************** 

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? 
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. 
The other is for housing prisoners. 
********************** 

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and It 
started to sink, who would be saved? ....  America! 
********************** 

If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard! 
********************** 

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? 
A: Bo has papers.

 

 

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.  Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

 

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

 'They're mating,' her father replied.

 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

 

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

 As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
 
 ' The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit in Alabama!’ she said.

 

 

 

 

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.  While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so naturally it's a local call."

 

 

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."       
                                                                           
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.                         

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."                   

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.                                                             

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."                                               

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.                   

 

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"               

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."                     

 

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."  

 

 

Cowboy In Church

 

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged.

In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him.  No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. 

'Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.'

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.  The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was

completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, 'I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.'

'I did,' replied the old cowboy.

'If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?' asked the preacher.

'Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear.  He said He'd never been in this church before.'

 

 

The economy is so bad... that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 

The economy is so bad... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

 

The economy is so bad... that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 

The economy is so bad... if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them

 

The economy is so bad... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

 

The economy is so bad... McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 

The economy is so bad... parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

 

The economy is so bad... a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

 

The economy is so bad... Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

 

The economy is so bad... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

 

The economy is so bad... the Mafia is laying off judges.

 

The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

 

And finally...

 

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!!  The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

 

 

YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF ...."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against..

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one..

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

 

OK. I THINK I GET IT

However, Let me see if I understand all this....

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE TURKEY BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN PRISON!

BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:

    A DRIVERS LICENSE

    A SOCIAL SECURITY CARD

    WELFARE including a cell phone

    FOOD STAMPS

    AND, FREE HEALTH CARE?

Oh well, sure.  That makes perfect sense

 

 

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor
confirms
your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing
didn't
do a thing.
3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.


________________________________________________
The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and
fold them
neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the
ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
the
baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifiers:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
can go home
and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
some juice
from the baby's bottle..
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapers:

1st baby: You change your baby's diaper every hour, whether they need it
or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about
the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
(Ain't this the truth!!!!)
____________________

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story
Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five
times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number
where you can be reached...
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

______________ ________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't
squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital
and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin
to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his
pocket
money.
 
GRANDCHILDREN:
God's reward for allowing your children to live!

 

 

My Father Is A stripper In A Gay Bar

One day a fourth-grade  teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied,'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The  teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'

 

 

Obama Jokes

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a zoo and the White House?
A: A zoo has an African lion and the White House has a lyin' African.

Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!

Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.

Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.

Q: What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.

Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

 

 

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama go to heaven...
  God addresses Al first..  ''Al, what do you believe in?''

 

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve.. And I've come to understand that now.''

 

God thinks for a second and says:

  "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''


  God then addresses Bill.  "Bill, what do you believe in?''

 

Bill replies:  "I believe in forgiveness.  I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.'' 


  God thinks for a second and says:

  "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

  

Then God addresses Barack.  "Barack, what do you believe in?''

 

He replies:  "I believe you're in my chair."

 

 

Did  I read that sign right?                                                                       
                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                 
             TOILET OUT  OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW                                                       
                                                                                                                 
             In  a Laundromat:                                                                                   
             AUTOMATIC WASHING  MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES  OUT               
                                                                                                                 
             In  a Memphis department store:                                                                     
             BARGAIN BASEMENT  UPSTAIRS                                                                         
                                                                                                                 
             In  an office:                                                                                     
             WOULD THE  PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER  STEPS WILL BE
             TAKEN                                                                                               
                                                                                                                 
             In  an office:                                                                                     
             AFTER COFFEE  BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE COFFEE POT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING  BOARD 
                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                 
             Outside  a secondhand shop:                                                                         
             WE EXCHANGE  ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND  GET A   
             WONDERFUL BARGAIN!                                                                                 
                                                                                                                 
             Notice  in health food shop window:                                                                 
             CLOSED DUE TO  ILLNESS                                                                             
                                                                                                                 
             Spotted  in a safari park:                                                                         
             ELEPHANTS PLEASE  STAY IN YOUR CAR                                                                 
                                                                                                                 
             Seen  during a conference:                                                                         
             FOR  ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST  FLOOR             
                                                                                                                 
             Notice  in a farmer's field:                                                                       
             THE  FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL  CHARGES.                     
                                                                                                                 
             Message  on a leaflet:                                                                             
             IF YOU CANNOT  READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS                                 
                                                                                                                 
             On  a repair shop door:                                                                             
             WE CAN  REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T  WORK)                   
                                                                                                   

 

 

One day, when a  male seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, his thimble fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The male seamstress replied that his thimble had fallen into the water and that he needed it to help his wife in making a living for their family.

 

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires. 

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The  male seamstress replied, "No." 

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.   

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.  Again, the male seamstress replied, "No."   

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked.  The male seamstress replied, "Yes."

 

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and  gave him all three thimbles to keep, and the male seamstress went home happy.   

Some years later, the male seamstress was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the  river and disappeared under the water.

 

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen  into the river!" 

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Demi Moore. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. 

"Yes," cried the male seamstress. The Lord was  furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 

The male seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Demi Moore, you would have come up with Goldie Hawn.   

Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all  three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of  all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Demi Moore.   

And so the Lord let him keep her.   

The moral of this story is:       

Whenever a man lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.   

That's our story, and we're sticking to  it.

 

THIS JUST IN FROM THE WASHINGTON POST:

 

 OBAMA WINS THE HEISMAN TROPHY AFTER WATCHING A COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME SATURDAY.

 

 

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM 

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' 

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' 

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. 

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 

'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? 

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! 

'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda headed for the door. 

'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. 

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.' 

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. 

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! 

After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. 

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 

'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. 

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?' 

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

 

 

STIMULUS EXPLAINED

 

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.  This is a very exciting new program.  I will explain it using the Q and A format.

Q.  What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A.  It is money that the federal government will send to tax payers.

Q.  Where will the government get this money?

A.  From taxpayers.

Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money?

A.  Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A.  The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q.  But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A.  Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.

 

If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.

 

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

 

Instead, keep the money in America by


1 - spending it at yard sales, or      

2 - going to ball games or  NASCAR race, or    

3 - spending it on prostitutes (male for me), or      

4 - beer, or      

5 - tattoos.


 (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)

So I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale and we're going to drink beer all day!

 

 

 

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying you are in big trouble.

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

 

What was the best thing about the Cash for Clunkers program?

 

It got rid of a lot of Obama Bumper Stickers !!!! 

 

 

I know you don't clean your computer screen very often and it is hard to clean it from the inside so please click here and consider this my present to you!

 

Cracking the code -  After a President has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one. Yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. The president picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note. Bush chuckled and replied, “Dude, you're holding it upside down.”

 

 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
                                   
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:  
 
                         "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

 

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

 

 

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long. .

 

 

Why Women Are Crabby

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at nine or ten years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears.

Then came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, cramped, got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

 

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

 

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

 

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

 

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

 

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

 

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

 

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

 

So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

 

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
 

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.

 

 

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon.....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?' 

 

 

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.  His dad read : 'The man named  Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?' 

 

 

SEC Football


Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterprooof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani.
SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning.

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have20classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room fo r bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.


HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.

At FLORIDA: It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA: It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.

At KENTUCKY : It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lamp shade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE: It takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".

At AUBURN: It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA: It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas

 

 

 

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 

 

Question:  What’s the best form of birth control after fifty?

 

Answer:  Nudity!

 

 

Bumper Stickers:

 

What part of Europe are you from?  The part whose ass we saved or the part whose ass we kicked?

 

Government doesn’t work.  Please return my taxes.

 

So, you’re for abortion, but against killing terrorists?

 

 

More in the long list of the world’s shortest books:

 

Things I Love About My Country

By Jane Fonda and Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore

 

 

My Christian Accomplishments and How I Helped After Katrina

By Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton

 

 

Things I Cannot Afford

By Bill Gates

 

 

Things We Know To Be True

By Al Gore and John Kerry

 

 

A Collection Of Motivational Speeches

By Dr. J. Kervorkian

 

 

All the Men We Have Loved, Before . . .

By Ellen de Generes and Rosie O’Donnel

 

 

Guide To Dating Etiquette

By Mike Tyson

 

 

The Amish Phone Directory

 

 

My Plan To Find the Real Killers

By O.J. Simpson

 

 

How To Drink and Drive Over Bridges

By Ted Kennedy

 

 

And finally . . .

 

Complete Knowledge Of Military Strategy

By Nancy Pelosi

 

 

HOW TO BE  Gracious 
  
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.  Nothing could   dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. 

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother- of-the-bride ever! 

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!  Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.  'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it,' she replied. 

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it' s your special day.' 

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.  When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? 
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. 

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear.  I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.' 

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? 

 

 

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name..

He replied, "She called Four Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name.

It mean, Nag ...... nag ...... nag ...... nag!   

 

 

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
 The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
 "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" she replied.
 "I've been divorced three times, and I voted for Obama."

 

 

Exercise For People Over 50

 

I am convinced that this is the best course of action for those of us 50 and over plus some of the younger people as well.

 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

 

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.  After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

 

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute..  (I'm currently at this level)

 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

 

The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
     This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

      My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.  Now he's 97 years old  and we don't know where he is.

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

 

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
     
      I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
     
      I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.
     
      Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
     
      I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

      The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
     
      If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
     
      I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,........ just getting over the hill.
   
     We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
      That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
     
      AND

       Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
     

 

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU ARE UNDER OBAMA'S NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10)    Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9)  Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8)  The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7)  The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6)  The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5)  Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4)  "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3)  The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2)  Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1)  You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and some Duct Tape.

 

 

Summer Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat 
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. 

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. 

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. 

Class 4 
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. 

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM 

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM 

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. 

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. 

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. 

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined 

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the “survivors”.

 

Little Johnny Meets Barack Obama
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.  They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.  The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'   So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
     
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over  him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
     
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
     
A little girl raised her hand:
'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.  

I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'
     
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.  Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
     
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.  In a quiet voice
he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly
fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
     
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.  'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be
tragedy?'
     
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

 

 

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
 
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.  Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
 
Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

 

It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew will exit and you'll never get your order.

 

 

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, 'Why don't you just put it in Park?’

 

 

Excerpts from a DC Airline Ticket Agent.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman' s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.


3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''••••••
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)


5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we
will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)


6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very
rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination
tag on his luggage.


8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''


9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Alaska who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''


10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''


12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?


YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

 

 

The Geography Of A Woman

 

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile   and naturally beautiful!

  Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to  trade, especially for someone of real value.

  Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot , relaxed and convinced  of her own beauty.

  Between 36 and 40, a woman is like  Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

  Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all  conquering past.

  Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

  Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

  After 70, she becomes Tibet .  Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
 
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
   Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

 

 

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past  the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.  He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

 

 

It's so dry in West Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,

 the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-

checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry!

 

 

Puns:

 

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
 
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
 
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
 
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
 
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
 
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
 
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
 
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
 
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
 
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
 
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

 

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


 

The day finally arrived.   Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.   He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.  However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.   We have heard a lot about you.  I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.  The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'


Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.   But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.  I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.  Life was a big enough test as it was.'


St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

 

 

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


 

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?


 

Third:

What is God's first name?'


Forrest leaves to think the questions over.  He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'


Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.   That would be Today and Tomorrow.'


The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer..   

 

 

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.  
'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'


Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'


Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '


'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.  'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.  Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?


'Sure,' Forrest replied,

'it's Andy.'


'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.   'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'


'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.  'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:

'Run, Forrest, Run.'

 

 

 

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

 

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was  thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a  whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

 

 

Parking Ticket

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.  When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket...
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

 

So my wife called him a shit-head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he started writing A third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care...  We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.  We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.  It's important at our age.

 

 

Ordering a Pizza in 2012
This is absolutely hilarious, but the scary part about it is that it's probably not too far away from being reality, providing Obama has his way with socialized medicine, and digitizing medical records.

Want to know how to order a pizza in 2012? Click the link and see.
Turn up the volume, listen closely and watch the pointer!

 

http://www.aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf 

 

 

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Health Care Reform plan.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

 

 

Rules of the Universe

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often. 

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 

6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.) 

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences. Love each other. 

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed. 

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 

23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. 

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.' 

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 

26. You should not confuse your career with your life. 

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 

28. Never lick a steak knife. 

29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. Your friends love you anyway. 

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

 

 

Country Girl Goes shopping

 

 

SURE CURE FOR CONSTIPATION
 
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in  succession when symptoms occur:
 
        "My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton,  Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"
 
If that doesn't scare the s--t out of you, then you are  probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
 
There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing a public service.

 

 

 

Awesome, isn’t it?  It took a sculptor and team of men 14 years to produce.

Ever wonder what’s on the other side of the mountain?

 

There!  Now you know!

 

 

Troops With a Sense Of Humor –

 

    

 

 

The Man Rules - ­­­­At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down:
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.   Now here are the rules from the male side.   
 
These are our rules!  Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!   
1.   Men are NOT mind readers.
 
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
 
1. Sunday Sports ..... It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.
 
1. Crying is blackmail.
 
1. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
 
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..
 
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for..
 
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
 
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us
 
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
 
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.. Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
 
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
 
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
 
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
 
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.
 
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
 
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
 
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
 
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hunting or Fishing.
 
1. You have enough clothes.
 
1. You have too many shoes.
 
1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!
 
1. Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at Turner Field this weekend in Atlanta, if anybody wants them.


 He's going to try to jump 100,000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer. 
 

Should be a good time.

 

 

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events:

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

 

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

 

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

 

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold! Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!  All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

 

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

 

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

 

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

 

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

 

 

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel
" pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to
the Promised Land".

Nearly 75 years ago , Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels , sit
on your asses , and light up a camel , this is the promised land".

Now Obama is going to steal your shovel , kick your asses , raise
the price of camels , and mortgage the promised land!

 

 

THE PLAN

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.


Damn - I love it when a plan comes together!

 

 

Top Ten Reasons Why It Costs More To Get Your Pet Groomed Than Your Own Hair Cut:

 

10. Your hairdresser doesn’t wash and clean your rear end.

 

9. You don’t go eight weeks without washing or brushing your hair.

 

8. Your hairdresser doesn’t give you a sanitary trim.

 

7. Your hairdresser doesn’t clean your ears.

 

6. Your hairdresser doesn’t remove the boogies from your eyes.

 

5. You sit still for your hairdresser.

 

4. Your haircut doesn’t include a manicure or pedicure.

 

3. Your hairdresser only washes and cuts the hair on your head.

 

2. You don’t bite or scratch your hairdresser.

 

1. The likelihood of you pooping on the hairdresser is pretty slim.

 

 

100 EURO

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

 

 

Military and aviation wit and wisdom from Military Manuals, etc.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
---------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy"
- Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
---------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Marine Corps
---------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
---------------------------------------------------
"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed"
- U.S. Air Force Manual
---------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me."
- U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)
----------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds"
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
----------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
-----------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
- unknown
------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him and try to keep up."
- USAF Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
-------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Without munitions, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:

"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we've never left one up there!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your flight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
---------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
--------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.

It is much more difficult to fly there."
-------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?"


The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

 

 

The Economy Is So Bad That  ...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in  Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into  Mexico .

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in  Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on, anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, great idea ... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

 

From an unnamed newspaper ad:

 

 

 

Male or Female?    You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:   

 

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

 

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

 

TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

 

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

 

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

 

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

 

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

 

EGG TIMERS:
 
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

 

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally h andy to have around.

 

THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

 

New Law:


With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota .  

 

 

Have a good laugh, guys!

 

 

 

 

 

Did you hear about the 75 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

 Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

 

 

A TRUE STORY FROM.... "THE HOUSTON HERALD NEWSPAPER" IN HOUSTON, TEXAS

MARCH 5th, 2009 

 

Last Thursday Night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

 

The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions.

 

The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work.  I Am A Waitress At A Local Cafe... I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder.”

 

“All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left.  As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse.  I looked down at my right hand and I saw

that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol.  The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No way Punk! You’re not stealing my pay check and tips."

 

“I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!”

 

When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?”

 

The woman replied under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger of my pistol the 7th time, it only went click."

 

The woman was aquitted of all charges and she was back to work the next day.

Now, THAT’S Gun Control!

 

 

 

 

 

Obama Logic -

 

 

 

How Bad Is The Economy?

 

 

 

Cats are so dramatic!

 

 

The Priest

 

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the People of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

 

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

 

"I would really like to see Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

 

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

 

The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived.   Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest.

 

As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Nancy couldn't help but agree.

 

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy's hand in his right hand and Harry's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

 

Finally Nancy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

 

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

 

 

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

 

 

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan .. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU .

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, ' Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

 

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

 

(Humor may not be the best place for this. . . but it sure brought a smile to MY face!  DebV)

 

 

New Ice Cream Flavor

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor; "Barocky Road".

Barocky Road is a blend of half-Vanilla, half-Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes. The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.  Its country of origin is questionable, and it's a fair bet that it was actually made in Africa by Muslims.

 

There is no doubt that this flavor was hand-molded by Muslims before it left Africa.   

The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop but only if you are "rich", and that target definition keeps moving around.  If you are "poor" (or at least "oppressed by the man"), you actually get paid to eat the ice cream.  

 

There is a new law that everyone must purchase this.  When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person outside the store who doesn't have money for ice cream. 

Now this is the kind of change that a person can believe in.

 

 

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “It's Lent.”

In tears, she sobbed, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

Who did you lend it to and for how long?”

 

 

New Stock Market Terms

CEO-Chief Embezzlement Officer
   

 CFO-  Corporate Fraud Officer
   

 BULL MARKET -A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

 BEAR MARKET -a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
     

 VALUE INVESTING -The art of buying low and selling lower.
     

P/E RATIO-The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
     

 BROKER-What my financial planner has made me.
     

STANDARD & POOR-Your life in a nutshell.
     

STOCK ANALYST-Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
     

STOCK SPLIT-When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
     

 MARKET CORRECTION -The day after you buy stocks.
     

 CASH FLOW -The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
     

YAHOO-What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
     

 WINDOWS-What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
     

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR-Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

   

 PROFIT-an archaic word no longer in use.

 

Ponder this: 
     

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.
     

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.    

It's called the   401-Keg.

 

 

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack H. Obama:

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President.  Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe.  Obama is a skinny lawyer.

 

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest BOOBS!

Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

 

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY: 

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.  Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble.  If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?" asked Pelosi. 
  
Well, you might ask, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.  Which one?'' 
  
Ms. Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?  I must confess I don't know much about history." 

 

 

TAX CODE CHANGE  

 

 

Your income taxes are normally due on April 15th, unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

 

However, I have been told that due to a recent change, and for the next 4 years, they will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

 

 

 

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
 
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
 
 At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
 
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
 
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
 
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
 
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"
 
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
 
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
 
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
 
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

 

 

Good Fairy and the illegal
  A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside a Arizona  immigration office.
'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children'
  The man told the fairy.  'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
  The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
  What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'
  The illegal refugee claimant now got bolder.  'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.  I want to bring them all over here . .. . and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
  'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.
  'Yes, one more wish.  I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.  And I want to have white skin like Americans . . . and -- PING! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap.  He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.  'Where is my new house?'
THIS IS GOOD . .NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .

The fairy said 'Tough shit, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared .

 

 

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!

 

 

THE SOUTH --- YOU GOTTA LOVE IT 
  
Alabama 
  
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.  'Where's Henry?' the others asked.   

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.  'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.   

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter.  'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry.' 
   
Texas 
  
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.

'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:  'Fine For Dumping Garbage'. 
  
Louisiana 
 
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.'   When asked why, he replied,  'Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.' 
  
Mississippi 
  
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' 
  
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?' 
  
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.' 
  
Georgia 
  
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75.  The trooper asked, 'Got any   I. D. ?' 
  
The driver replied,  'Bout whut?' 
  
North Carolina 
 
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.  Then he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. 
  
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.' 
  
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' 
    
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.' 
  
Tennessee 
 
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said,  You graduated from the University of   Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' 
  
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings. 
  
South Carolina 
 
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.' 

 

 

 

 

The Wal Mart Greeter 

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... 

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' 

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' 

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

159 YEARS AGO  

California became a state. 
The State had no electricity. 
The State had no money. 
Almost everyone spoke Spanish. 
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

 

 

 

 

Home    Feedback Welcome   Access to Archives