Humor Page
Just For Fun
If you have come here for a good laugh, we’re glad to be
accommodating!
Hours of fun reading exists here and on the several pages of archives. Some repeats exist simply because it is a
major job to edit the material on this site, but humor is such an important
component for a healthy psyche, we will continue to bring you the best we find. Enjoy!
DebV
Humor 2012
RELIGION & TAXIS
An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas ,
Texas ..........
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn
off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in
the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is
music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
So the cab driver politely switches off the
radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: What are you doing man?
The Texan answers: In the time of the prophet
there were no taxis.
So get your ass out and wait for a camel.
You gotta love Texas.
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar. They both
had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from
Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you
friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said...,
"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"
That's the last thing I remember...
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent
to a bank by an 86-year-old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting
the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters,
--- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact, which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned
by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number,
which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it
on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year!
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first
place, so
it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Shampoo Warning
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very
clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with
Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO
REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!
A black American called the local phone company,
to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on
the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang. A repairman was dispatched to the scene. The telephone repairman
proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He
climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's
house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the
dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the
telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be
fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
Urologist Appointment
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of
course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the
knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with
patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a
large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name, and
in a very loud voice she said:
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,
now a very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an
equally loud voice, I replied:
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME
DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS ."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!
BEST DEAR ABBY YET
Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems.
He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them
off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says he pays the
minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep
up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our
neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd
bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our
bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with
Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the
next he's with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that
before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.
It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed,
Lost
Dear Lost,
Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live
in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for
everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us
are stuck with the idiot for another year!
Signed,
Abby
MY LIVING WILL:
Last night, my kids stopped by and were sitting in the living room when I said
to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are SO on my shit list …
President Obama goes
to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he
offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have four questions:
First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten
worse?
Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you
knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?
Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not
allowed to drill for oil?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will
continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
question time.. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his
name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have two questions.
First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
Second, What happened to Walter?"
Proofreading is a
Dying Art these days! HEADLINES
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
(Quite a trick!)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(Really? Ya think?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(Campaign contributions anyone?)
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
(What a guy!)
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION!)
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(On the other hand…)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(Gotta be linked to something I guess.)
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(That’s why they make the big bucks!)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(Weren't they fat enough?!)
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
(At least it wasn’t a crowded elevator!)
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Do they taste like chicken?)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
(Boy, are they tall!)
And the oldie but goody
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
(Duh!)
I am really concerned
about North Korea's appointment of the "dear leader", Kim Jung Ill's
youngest son to be the new leader of North Korea ... a nuclear power!
After all, Kim Jung Un (pronounced Kim's young-un?) had NO military experience
whatsoever before daddy made him a four-star general in the military. This is a
snot-nose twerp who has never accomplished anything in his life that would even
come close to military leadership: he hasn't even so much as led a cub scout
troop, coached a sports team or commanded a military platoon ... So, setting
that aside, next they make him the "beloved leader" of the country.
Terrific!
Oh, crap! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing here. We took
a community organizer who has never worn a uniform and made him
Commander-in-Chief; a guy who has never led anything more than an ACORN
demonstration and made him the leader of this country.
I'm sorry I brought
this up, never mind.
This morning I went
to sign my dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady
said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."
So I explained to her
that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English, and have
no frigging clue who their Daddies are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her
policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their
first checks Friday.
Damn, this is a great
country!
An Alaskan Fishing
Sign:
Senior moment:
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our
church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my
keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed
nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in
the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded
me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition
is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my
location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been
stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, Honey, I stammered. I
always call her honey in times like these. I left my keys in the car, and it
has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the
call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. Ken, she barked, I
dropped you off!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I
said, Well, come and get me.
Diane retorted, I will, as soon as I can
convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!
Have you ever had a senior moment?
A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill
Country when an illegal alien runs across the field. The Texan takes careful
aim, shoots, and kills him.
"You can't do that!" cried the
Coloradan.
"No, no, it's legal here in Texas"
replies the Texan.
Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys
some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an
illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Coloradan thinks
"No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.
As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!"
protests the Coloradan.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
Bob and the Blonde
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and
stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was
covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you
think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll
jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he
won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed
her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I
saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I
didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
This is for all of you that think you need a
large caliber gun....
22 caliber and hiking in
bear country
On Bud's Gun Shop Forums
the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect
yourself?
My personal favorite
defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years
I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know
too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy
System". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you
NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if
something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking
with my brother-in-law on Raspberry Island near Kodiak. Out of nowhere came
this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her
cubs.
Anyway, if I had not had my
little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's
knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired
mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped
out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did
dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector - not wanting to get a toe blown off - started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and
cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped
laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large
gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly
said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir, but I've always wanted
to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?
What
is "old?"
Old is when your sweetie says "let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "pick one, I can't do both."
Old is when your friend compliments you on your alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.
Old is when you are cautioned by the doctor to slow down instead of by the
police.
Old is when an "all nighter" means not getting up to use the
bathroom.
Old is when "getting lucky" means finding your car in the parking
lot.
Sometimes we forget the really important things
in life.
Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for
the
food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert.
And
liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to
pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is
God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought
that was
a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A
little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember
the
rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
of the woman. With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your
ass you grouchy old bitch! "
For my senior
friends.
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the
Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in
order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to
catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I
thought of you. Then it dawned on me – oh crap--I'll see you on the bus.
A friend of mine just
started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land
mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are
going through the roof.
Ole's car was hit by
a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning
Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the
lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite
mule, Bessie, into da......'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down
da road.....
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is
trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the
lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded
Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay
ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right
in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I
vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition her took out his gun and
shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and
said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED
0% ON AN EXAM How about 100% ?
Q1. In which battle
did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and
three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take
four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
I want to thank all
of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up
now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria
on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how
many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public toilet.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs
sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of
ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo
on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial
killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different
types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the
car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab
me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .
Oh, and by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on
the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
In the coming New
Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on
the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature
of little intelligence for prognostication.
The other involves a groundhog.
SUNBURN TREATMENT
Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn -
A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a
horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and
was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the
doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a
sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him,
Doctor’?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the
sheets off his legs.'
A crusty old Marine
Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal
arts college.
There was no shortage
of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me,
Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering
you?"
"Negative,
ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked
at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a
lot of action."
The young lady,
tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should
lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major
just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young
lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is
the last time you had sex?"
"1955,
ma'am."
"Well, there you
are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex
since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded
to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting
for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure
didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major
said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military
time)
