Humor Page
Just For Fun
If you have come here for a good laugh, we’re glad to be
accommodating!
Hours of fun reading exists here and on the several pages of
archives. Some repeats exist simply
because it is a major job to edit the material on this site, but humor is such
an important component for a healthy psyche, we will continue to bring you the
best we find. Enjoy! DebV
Humor 2013
Three contractors are
bidding to fix a broken fence at the Capitol.
One is from Chicago,
another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana.
All three go with a
White House official to examine the fence.
The Montana
contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some
figures with a pencil.
"Well," he
says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee
contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can
do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and
$100 profit for me."
The Chicago
contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House
official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official,
incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How
did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago
contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire
the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!"
replies the government official.
And that, my friends,
is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
Walt Disney's new
film called "Coal Black," the non-racist version of "Snow
White," has been put on hold. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer,
Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Thug have refused to sing "Hi Ho"
because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say
(without giving a reason) they have no intention of singing "It's off to
work we go."
A wife asks her
husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later
the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him,
"Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied,
"They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm
sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My
work is done here.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Water in the
carburetor
WIFE: "There is
trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water
in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell
you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You
don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the
pool"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A FRIGHTENING
STATISTIC. THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME
IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in
this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary.
It means 75% are
running around untreated.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man wanted to
get his beautiful blond wife something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the
phone, and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the
gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went
shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the
other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new
phone?"
Meg replied, "I
just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one
thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that,
sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know
I was at Wal-Mart?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had
a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am
coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No
darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's Short Reading
from the Bible... from Genesis:
"And God
promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the
earth."
Then He made the
earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
New word: Exhaustipated
Add this new word to your vocabulary,
(especially useful to senior citizens!)
Definition: Too tired to give a shit.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today,
their infamous sketch,
'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting
at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can
track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START.
Did you know
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the
temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his
secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to
their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on
the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted
the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the
dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way
he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern,
furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into
the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known
you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's
going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies,
"My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and
then slurs, "Not anymore! He is, what ever his name is!"
7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
A little girl was talking to her
teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
----------
A Kindergarten teacher
was observing her classroom of children while they were
drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks
like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up
from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
-------
A Sunday school
teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six
year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and
watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair
sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of
your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this
revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of
grandma's hairs are white?'
------
The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the
group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the
teacher, she's dead.'
----------
A teacher was giving a lesson on
the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she
said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
---------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria
of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple
tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching
the apples.'
Craig's List Ad--Read it closely folks... a good
one.
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown
Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket
that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me
and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's
purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your
embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew
my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was
wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned
safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just
bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we
had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree
that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to
wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse
walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet
with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what
you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four
other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big
motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside
Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his
day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink
"pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening
phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President
Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a
nice long chat. (I guess while he traced your number etc.)
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not
killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate
punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort
through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that
you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career
path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so
lucky.. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
The Pilot and the
Priest
A priest dies and is
waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed
in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses
this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to
the Kingdom of Heaven? '
The guy replies, 'I'm
Jim, retired Southwest Airline pilot from Houston .'
Saint Peter consults
his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden
staff and enter the Kingdom.' So Captain Jim goes into Heaven with his
robe and staff.
Next, it's the
priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint
Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults
his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and
enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says
the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden
staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by
results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew,
people prayed...'
Two old guys, one 70 and
one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
breath.
The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to
have so much energy.
The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home
the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the
saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye
bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like
some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My
goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to eat the 3rd loaf, it'll be
hard."
He replied, "I
can't believe everybody knows about this but me"
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time
members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad."
"You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope,
ain't Stanley."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Stanley."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?
Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two ass-holes."
"What! He had two ass-holes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with
them two ass-holes."
Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Obama administration.
One in the Cincinnati IRS office and the other in the Justice
Department.
A Mexican (an
undocumented Democrat), a Black (a documented Democrat), a Muslim and a Redneck
were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the
sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed sand off it and a Genie appeared.
"I can only
grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you
may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you
found the bottle, you may have the first wish."
The Black thought for
a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all
my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa." Poof! It was done!
Thousand ships appeared on the skyline.
The Mexican said,
"I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my peoples back to our
homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet
pickups appeared on the beach.
The Muslim said,
"I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from
this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim
countries and serve Allah." Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels
suddenly appeared on the beach.
Turning to the
Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish. The Redneck watched as
the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and
watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of
the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.
The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Lite. It doesn't get any better than
this!"
Scientific research ,
tenacity and curiosity win out!
Boston Crow
Fatalities .. Mystery Solved:
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows
near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died
from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and,
to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the
detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the
bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was
determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while
only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an
Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the
disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat
road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of
impending danger.
The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah",
none could say "Truck."
While hiking down
along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio
Grande River. He was struggling to stay
afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also
struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was
strapped to his back. If they didn’t
get help, they would surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in
distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland
Security.
It is now 4 P.M.,
both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I am starting to think I wasted two stamps.
If you can start the
day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, then you are probably the family
dog!
And you thought I was
going to get all spiritual ... Handle every Stressful situation like a
dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk
away.
I was in Dallas Texas the other day and I saw a
bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a
note that read, "I hope this helps!"
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a
row boat rowing towards California
The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where
are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are
invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA
during the 1800's."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled over in
laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the
loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The
other 32 million are already there!"
In parochial school students are taught that
lying is a sin. However, Instructors
also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth
differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs
An attractive young woman on a flight from
Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for
you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair
dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm
afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must
warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will
question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go
first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I
have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so
asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the
floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to
be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said,
"Go ahead, Father. Next
please!"
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest
Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago . The little boy had been looking out of the window. He
turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told
her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs
have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?" The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did
your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy replied, "Yes, she
did."
"Well", said the flight attendant, "you go and tell your mother
that there are no baby planes, because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have
your mother explain that to you."
Proctologists and Psychiatrists
Best friends graduating from medical school at
the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would
open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up
a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town
council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not
acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics
- no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down
again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost
Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no
way. Freaks and cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at
their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it.
Should children witness childbirth? Good
question.
Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was
asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help
and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place....smack his ass again!'
Some things are impossible
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He
picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed
and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages,
and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it
be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace
to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and
the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting
with each other."
The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez,
Fella! These countries have been at war with each other for thousands of years.
I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another
wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my
wife. They call her a carpetbagger. They think that she's mean, ugly, and a
liar. I wish for her to be the most truthful and most beautiful woman in the
world, and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."
The Genie let out a long sigh, and said, "Lemme see that map again."
Some old - some new! Enjoy!
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared
in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes
meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the
Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring
your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church
help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this
way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the
choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn
singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared
to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of
the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation
is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
IF MY BODY WERE A
CAR, I WOULD QUALIFY FOR "CASH FOR CLUNKERS." If my body were a car,
this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is
getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of
focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as
graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in
the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me
hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's
the worst part -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
Gun Control. It
already has started at Cabela's
There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note
to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just
as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their
instructions to us seniors a little clearer! I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT
BAD.
Today's Short Reading
From The Bible ... A Reading from Genesis...Just in case you have not read it!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners
of the earth.
Then He made the earth round ... And He laughed and laughed and laughed.
It was Saturday
morning as Jake, an avid hunter from Dripping Springs, woke up raring to go bag
the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of
coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully
dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her,
"What are you up to?"
Alice smiles,
"I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had
many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later
they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.
Jake sets his lovely
wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take
careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with
a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a
deer.
Not 10 minutes pass
when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts
running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get
the #$%^ away from my deer!"
Confused and
frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears
her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another
volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of
where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with
his hands high in the air.
The game warden,
obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer,
just let me get my saddle off it.
A man and his wife
were awakened at 3:00 am in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"No
chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning, you stupid
idiot!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was
that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk
guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help
him?" she asks.
"No, I did not,
it's 3 a.m. in the morning and it's belting down with rain out there!"
"Well, you have
a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three
months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know. Get your behind out there and help him,
Right NOW!!"
The man does as he is
told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain and freezing cold.
He calls out into the
dark, "Hello, Man, do you still need a push... are you still there?"
"Yes,"
comes back the answer.
"I asked if you
still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes,
please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are
you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on
the swing," replied the drunk...
I was at the bar the
other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh talking at the
bar. Their accent appeared to be
Scottish, so I approached and asked, “Are you three Lassies from Scotland?”
One of them screeched,
“It’s WALES, you bloody idiot!”
So, I apologized and
replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three
whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last
thing I remember…
Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills
and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying
I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about
the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so
arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to
us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of
expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious.
One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope
is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw.
He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must
sign a loyalty oath. It's just so
horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed, Lost
Dear Lost,
Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White
House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you.
You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the
idiot for four more years !
Signed, Abby
I met a fairy who
said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal
life."
"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head
out of its ass!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
Cletus & Billy
Bob
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old
John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a pirouette, and gently slides off first the
right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down
to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained
T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body,
and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment,
and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come splain this to you!
Read the last line again, slowly.)
After a tiring day, a
commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out
of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and
started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the
train."
"Yes, I know
it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not
with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."
"No, sweetheart,
you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes
later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting
next to him had enough, she leaned over and said
into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his
cell phone in public any longer.
My Missus decided to
wear a burka for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.
The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and
received death threats.
…………..Who knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house!
It is becoming a very
scary world out there . . .
Another Famous American converts to Islam ...
It was announced
today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang (1930s) fame, has converted to the Muslim
faith and changed his name to:
Kareem of Wheat...
I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!!
(Well at least it
isn’t a “corny” joke!)
Cow economics
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the
other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when
one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk
production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for
the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the
best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Hospital regulations
require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as
a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on
the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to
leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of
her hospital gown.'
A man was telling his
neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
Morris, an 82
year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
careful.'
A little old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully,
up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
INTERESTING
OBSERVATION
1 The sport of choice
for the urban poor is BASKETBALL..
2 The sport of choice
for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice
for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice
for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice
for middle management is TENNIS.
And.....
6 The sport of choice
for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING
CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in
the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat
load of people in Washington playing marbles!
The kids filed into
class Monday morning. They were all very excited..
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she
said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I
credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45
and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good,
Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you
selling?"
Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the
teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that
much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set
up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free
sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then
I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President
Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling
you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your
mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
Bless his heart.
Opening conversation
on a blind date:
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6
pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long
have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack
cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month
at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year
you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your
spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know
that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest
savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past
15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your
******* Ferrari then?